The Drip Within the Game: Hall of Fame Athlete Accessories

Sports is one of society’s last great equalizers. Whether it’s a team sport like soccer or solo competititon like golf, opponents are subject to the same rules of game play. An athlete’s performance wear is no exception. Team uniforms are identical. And individual attire is subject to strict guidelines with everything from color, cut, length, and logo being regulated.

We see this most rigorously applied to no one else more than Serena Williams. Her banned “cat suit” at the 2018 French Open caused controversy among the tournament heads who called it “disrespectful”.

This rigidity of leagues and associations is the result of tending to their primary concern, profitability. Administrative bodies maximize their bottom line by catering to the mainstream audience with as little stir as possible. What suffers in the process are athletes means of self-expression.

Thankfully, throughout the history of sports professionals have found creative ways to model their personal style within the tight margins of the rule books. Apart from gratification, why is this self-pronouncement so important? Exposure. With the increase of billion dollar TV deals, social media platforms that cross the globe, and corporate partnerships, all eyes are on these larger-than-life giants at all times. The financial possibilities are endless. The most watchable athletes get the endorsements, entertainment opportunities, brand cachet, even the celebrity partner.

There’s also the ego part. Since children, athletes have measured themselves against their peers by every conceivable benchmark. Appearance is no different. When trying to gain an advantage, every aspect matters. Sport pundits call this the “game within the game”. Referring to factors not quantified on a scoreboard, the game within the game could be trash talking an opponent to get into their head, visualization, picking imaginary fights with fans in the crowd like Michael Jordan did, anything that effects the psyche of a player. A player’s “drip”, which is defined as one’s personal swagger, counts as another.

Popular Atlanta rapper Gunna, whose first five projects were titled Drip Season, Drip Season 2, Drip Season 3, Drip Harder, and Drip or Drown 2, explained the meaning of rap’s most used word in 2018:

"Drip is your attire, the clothes you wear. My drip today man, I got on a Saint Laurent hoodie, some Balmain’s and some Chanel shoes because it’s Friday. I drip every day, all week, but weekends I’m really putting that sh*t on. I might wear a $10,000 outfit on a weekend, no cap.”

Rapper Gunna on the cover of his album Drip or Drown 2

The jewelry, accessories, the coordinating pieces, these symbols of originality are what truly cement an athlete into legendary status.

Here is the Drip Within the Game Hall of Fame list: the best overstatements worn by sporting greats who understand that you can’t always control how well you perform, but you can always control how good you look.

1) Florence Griffith Joyner AKA “Flo-Jo”

Flo-Jo is considered the fastest woman of all time. Running the 400 meters, 800 meters, as well as the 4x100 and 4x400 meter relays in the 1988 Olympics, Joyner took home five medals; three gold, two silver. Physically, Flo-Jo was a one of a kind marvel who set and broke her own world records numerous times.

Suffering a tonic-clonic seizure in 1999, Florence’s untimely death at the age of 38 rocked the world. At the time, my step-father worked as a mortician at the historically black Angeles Funeral Home, located in the Crenshaw district of Los Angeles, where Florence’s funeral was held. I remember him telling me the stories of people’s reactions to losing one of their own and the impact she had on her entire community.

Outside of her running success, when people think of Flo-Jo, what comes to mind are the bold looks she pulled off on the track. Full body tracksuits exposing a single leg, hooded track suits, bright, bold, colorful patterns, nails so long they curled over. Florence commanded attention. This Black girl from South Central’s Jordan Downs housing project had no problem showing the world that a female athlete can be flashy, fashionable, and dominant.

You know someone is a style icon when Beyoncé dresses up as them for Halloween.

2) Deion “Prime Time” Sanders

Deion had Trinidad James “All Gold Everything” moments on and off the field and in two professional sports.

Deion’s flagrant style was on full display before he even signed a professional contract. Skipping the NFL draft, Deion received the call from the Atlanta Falcons that they were selecting him 5th overall on his agent’s sofa in Winnetka, Il. Instead of putting on a stuffy suit like he would have had to do if he chose to attend the Draft, Deion dressed in a black, white and yellow nylon tracksuit. You know, the kind that makes the audible “swishy” sound as you walk. Deion’s casual getup was accompanied by black and gold retro squared sunglasses, an indeterminate amount of gold chains, four gold bracelets, a money sign earring, and two-finger gold plated rings on each hand. This was Deion’s introduction to the world as the king of drip.

A month after being drafted by the National Football League, Deion made his Major League Baseball debut for the New York Yankees.

Although the percentage of Black baseball players in the MLB was much higher in 1989 at 16.5% versus today’s 7.7%, their audience was still the suburbs of America. So you can imagine how much Deion and his jheri curl stood out. He was young, fly, flashy, and fast. Between his athletic gifts and his closet, Deion was must watch TV giving him the name “Prime Time”.

3) Allen Iverson

No one influenced early 2000’s NBA culture more than Allen Iverson. His pre-game outfits led the late David Stern, the NBA’s commissioner at the time, to implement the racially-tinged “Dress Code”.

via Ballislife.com

On the court, Iverson sported a combination of the headband, wristband, calf band, finger sleeve, shooting sleeve, and leg sleeve all at once. Iverson essentially wore an entire Footlocker for each game.

When I think of Iverson’s career, five particular moments come to mind. The first is Iverson’s shimmy and shake on Michael Jordan his rookie year. The classic, “your idols become your rivals, you make friends with Mike, but gotta A.I. him for your survival” moment. Thank you Drake for that forever important line. Second, Iverson disrespectfully stomping over Tyronn Lue, yes, former championship winning coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers and LeBron James whisperer, Ty Lue, after knocking down a through-the-leg step back fade-away during overtime of game 1’s 2001 NBA Finals. Third, AI’s misunderstood practice rant which came days after the murder trial for the man accused of killing Iverson’s best friend, Rahsaan Langeford, just seven months earlier. This life-altering tragedy deeply affected Iverson throughout the season as he struggled to cope with the loss. Fourth, Iverson’s mother braiding his hair in the middle of a game. Five, A.I.’s 1999 Slam magazine cover.

4) Ken Griffey Jr.

Baseball and the MLB aren’t known for being avant-garde in much of anything. The game resisted instant replay or any type of technology to improve its accuracy until 2014. And the long storied New York Yankees franchise still requires that all of their players be clean shaven just as the original owner George Steinbrenner did back in 1973 when he implemented their facial hair policy. Baseball values tradition and doing things “a certain way”.

So in 1989, when a young, Black, talented twenty-year-old Ken Griffey Jr. AKA “The Kid”, came into the majors confidently wearing a backwards cap and stud earrings, some of the league’s old guard expressed their discontent. In Jay Caspian King’s phenomenal New York Times piece “The Unbearable Whiteness of Baseball”, he writes how Griffey was, “in a long line of coded racial arguments, minor battles between two types: the “standard” white player and his nonwhite foil”. Former Yankees manager Buck Showalter said Griffey’s backwards hat and untucked shirttail showed a “lack of respect for the game”. Meanwhile, the backwards cap made him one of the only MLB players I knew by name. I even bought Major League Baseball Featuring Ken Griffey Jr. for my Nintendo 64 because Ken Griffey’s very essence and identity was something I gravitated and related to.

As a young child, I didn’t realize that I was already conveying resentment over the constant politicizing and policing of the Black Athlete.

For me, the backwards cap was more than a style choice. It was a small act of freedom. I cheered louder every time a Buck Showalter felt the need to give their opinion on Griffey’s presentation. Today, my sentiment remains the same. As King eloquently puts it, “by instinct, honed reflex and general contrarianism, I root for all “flashy” “showboats” who are “disgraces to the game.”

5) Serena Williams

Brand ambassador for the luxury Swiss watch manufacturer, Audemars Piguet, Serena Williams’ exclusive timepiece collection has been well documented. And at 2019’s Wimbledon, the 23-time Grand Slam winner didn’t disappoint with her Audemars Royal Oak Offshore Selfwinding Chronograph.

Wearing more jewelry than Kate Middleton who was in attendance, Serena’s ensemble featured a V-shape jewel set diamond ring custom made to hold her massive engagement ring, a diamond heart-shaped pendant choker, diamond earrings, a bracelet, and 34 Swarovski crystals embedded in her top’s Nike swoosh. I can’t wash dishes if a hair tie is hanging from my wrist, yet Serena can serve a tennis ball at 135 mph with an arm full of bling. That is why she is the G.O.A.T.

“Got a broken clock
Rollies that don’t tick-tock
Audemars that’s losing time
Hidden behind all these big rocks”

— Jay Z, N****s in Paris

“Yeah, I got an Audemar, I ain’t set the time once and I know they say they shine, I ain’t seen ‘em shine once”

— Nicki Minaj, "Senile"

6) Michael Johnson

One of the greatest sprinters of all-time, Michael Johnson won 16 gold medals throughout his illustrious track career and still holds several of the top sprinting times in the 400, 200, and 100 meters. Johnson did all of this while looking like the fifth member of Boyz II Men. Apparently, Johnson was sprinting from the track straight to the club in his watch, necklace, and earring.

7) Barry Bonds

Once again, Black people and Baseball. Barry Bonds isn’t that well liked in the baseball world because of his involvement with steroids during the inflated home-run era of the 90’s and early 00s.

Bond’s body went from skinny ‘90s Busta Rhymes to beefed up ‘00s Busta Rhymes.

Considering the fact that steroid use in this era was closer to the norm rather an outlier with just Bonds, MLB owes Barry Bonds acknowledgement for being the best hitter baseball has ever seen and needs to give him his well-earned due.

Outside of his bulked physique, there’s another look Bonds is known for-his dangling cross earring that he wore throughout his 21 year career.

Odell Beckham and every hype beast today owe Barry a big thank you for making this look popular.

Barry may not be in baseball’s Hall of Fame, but he’s definitely in instagram’s lookbook hall of fame.

8) Tim Thomas’ Double Headband

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, the fact that Tim Thomas wore double headbands in an NBA game or that I too copied this look in an AAU practice after seeing him and Nelly flaunt it.

To the relief of many, this did not become a trend.

Tim Thomas being the sole NBA player to wear the double headband solidifies it as a hall of fame accessory moment. Sometimes the world is simply not ready for your genius.

7) Michael Jordan’s Calf Sleeve

We all wanted to be like Mike. If that meant suffering from shin splints so severe that we needed to wear a calf band, then so be it. Some say Jordan started wearing the calf sleeve to alleviate his shin pain, others believe it was for fashion. Either way it looked incredible.

Ingenious enough, Jordan invented the modern day calf band. All Jordan did was take a knee sleeve, slide it down a few inches, and fold it at the top to hide the company logo. The red inside just happened to match his Bulls jersey.

Of course Kobe Bryant, MJ’s carbon copy, had to rock the calf sleeve just like his idol.

9) Marshawn Lynch’s Gold Fronts

Marshawn Lynch is Oakland culture personified.

10) The Most Expensive Drip: Odell Beckham’s Richard Millie

“I just... what?
I just put a Richard on the card
I ain’t grow up playin’ ball”

— Drake, "Going Bad"

“Richard Mille cost a Lambo (That’s a Lambo)
Known to keep the baddest [women] on commando (Salute)”

— Meek Mill, "Going Bad"

Do you know how rich you have to be to wear a house on your wrist while running through tackles, dirt and Gatorade showers? I have never felt as economically average as I did when I saw Odell wearing a $350,000 RM 11-03 McLaren Flyback Chronograph in the Cleveland Browns’ opening game against the Tennessee Titans. Considering the Browns haven’t made the playoffs in 18 years, Odell’s timepiece is the only reason I paid any attention to this game.

Unintentional Drip: The Baggy T-shirt Under the Jersey

I don’t know when this stopped being a thing. It wouldn’t surprise me if the NCAA legislated the baggy t-shirt out of the game the same way they legislate most fun out of these children’s lives. What made the baggy t-shirt under the jersey equally stylish and humorous was the fact that it was often worn by the slimmest player on the team.

Creative Drip: Terrell Owens’ Sharpie

In the prime of his career, Terrell Owens was the NFL’s loudest talker. He more than backed it up on the field accumulating 15,934 receiving yards over his 16-year career, making Jerry Rice the only person with more yards. The 6-time Pro-Bowler also caught 153 touchdowns, good for 3rd all-time, and is the only player to score a touchdown against every NFL team. If he didn’t piss so many people off with his mouth his resume would have guaranteed him a first ballot hall of fame entry.

On October 14th 2002, in a nationally televised Monday Night Football game, Terrell Owens caught a 37-yard touchdown pass to put his 49ers up one and win the game. The best part of the play was the celebration. Instead of breaking out a generic dance move or slapping his chest, T.O. shocked viewers by pulling a Sharpie pen out of his sock. T.O. then proceeded to sign the football and walk the instant piece of memorabilia over to a fan, creating a classic NFL moment. Showmanship at its finest. I would have voted Owens into the football Hall of Fame for this theatrical act alone.

Step 1: Catch and run the football into the end zone

Step 2: Pull the Sharpie out of your sock and sign the football

Step 3: Be a nice guy and toss the football to a lucky fan

Honorable Mention: LaDainian Tomlinson’s Dark Visor

For someone whose skill set is predicated on vision, I don’t understand how LaDainian Tomlinson saw much of anything out of his visor; which makes the rushing numbers from the league’s former MVP that much more impressive. Back when the NFL actually valued running backs, Tomlinson ran for 13,684 yards and 145 touchdowns, placing him top 5 in both statistical categories.

LaDainian Tomlinson was rightly inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2017.

Most Economical: Caron Butler’s Straws

Caron Butler will forever be a part of the unlikely Dallas Mavericks team that spoiled the “not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4…” championship celebration for LeBron James’ Miami super team in 2011. Another unlikely fact is that throughout Caron’s 12 year career, he had what some would call a “strange” must-have accessory for every game. Straws. Caron would chew on straws during the course of a game as a means to relax. Every single game. And not just any straw, McDonald’s straws specifically.

In this three minute video, Caron not only explains why McDonald’s straws are superior, he shows off his impressive ability to distinguish a McDonald’s McStraw from 15 different competitors in a “blind chew test”.

With Caron having played in almost 1,000 career NBA games, McDonald’s definitely missed out on a prime partnership.

Which all-time great athlete accessory deserved to be on the list? Please comment below with some of your favorites.

The Evolving Taste Buds of Drake

Aubrey Graham, Champagne Papi, 6 god, The Boy, whether you proclaim to be a Drake fan or a steadfast contrarian of his hip-hop prowess, when Drizzy drops a song, you listen.

The night the Toronto Drake’s- I mean Raptors, won the 2019 NBA World Championship in what will become the shortest-lived 12-hour dynasty, Toronto’s unofficial Mayor released two new songs from his The Best In The World Pack. “Money in the Grave” featuring Rick Ross and “Omertà”.

“Omertà” is peak braggadocios Drake, spitting rhymes like: “I plan to buy your most personal belongings when they up for auction. Man, truth be told, I think about it often. The petty king, the overseer of many things. I wish that I was playin' in a sport where we were gettin' rings. I wouldn't have space on either hand for anything”. Flame emoji everywhere and a reminder that Drake or whoever you think writes for him has a way of putting words together.

As I was bobbing my head, dissecting every word looking for a Pusha-T connection, one thing in particular stood out - Drake’s recent elitism when it comes to his dining preferences

Just three years prior on 2016’s Views, Drake was proclaiming to his scorned girlfriend just how much he loves Cheesecake Factory and all its suburban patrons.

Apparently all it took was three years perfecting his beard/fade combo and winning an NBA championship, for Drake to compare Benihana, which is in the same class of eating as Cheesecake Factory, to pigeon food.

My interest in Jimmy’s gastro desires didn’t stop there. In fact, it ignited a new question to pose in the never-ending argument over Drake’s identity. Instead of looking at his disdain for Benihanas while favoring Cheesecake Factory as proof of the dissonance between who Drake raps to be and who he actually is, I saw it as an example of his evolving personhood.

After spending a copious amount of hours I’m too embarrassed to admit listening to every Drake song for any mention of food, here is a timeline of hip-hops’ golden boy’s stomach.

Childhood Drake

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

“Mama never used to cook much,
used to chef KD...”

— Drake, Free Smoke

KD, as in Kraft Dinners. Drake has never been shy when it comes to expressing his affection for his mother. He’s referenced her in songs like “Look What You’ve Done”; telling her, “You get the operation you dreamed of and I finally send you to Rome. I get to make good on my promise. It all worked out, girl, we shoulda known. Cause you deserve it.” So this Kraft Mac & Cheese jab is surprising. Not quite a “Duppy Freestyle”, but Drake definitely aired out his mothers’ deficient cooking skills.

Up & Coming Drake

Applebees and Outback

“Me and Gibbo was about that
Eatin’ Applebee’s and Outback
Southwest, no first class.”

— Drake, Free Smoke

Chain restaurants, the fuel of middle America. Like the Mac & Cheese verse, Drake is reflecting on the bottom from which he started. Sharing an inspiring story about his path to stardom alongside his close friend and road manager, Gibbo, he’s reminiscing to a time when the pair weren’t chartering flights, let alone flying first-class, but getting those two free bags on Southwest. Far from being an endorsement of Outback or Applebees’ food quality, this is a lesson on humility, sacrifice, budgeting, and friendship. Only build with people who will order an Applebees 2 for $20 with you.

2011 Drake

French Laundry

“And you do dinners at French Laundry in Napa Valley;
Scallops and glasses of Dolce, that shit’s right up your alley.”

— Drake, The Ride

You too can book a dinner reservation at the acclaimed French Laundry in Napa Valley; if you are a prominent food blogger or get lucky enough to be added to the over two month queue. Even then, landing a reservation is like finding Willy Wonka’s golden ticket. The coveted wait will give you time to save up for the $270 per person dinner.

Sushi

“I took her for sushi... we took it to go, told them don’t even plate it.”

— HYFR

To-go sushi on the first date? Not the most romantic, but as the songs notes, at the request of the young woman.

2012 Drake

Spaghetti Bolognese

“Spaghetti bolognese in the Polo Lounge.”

— Stay Schemin'

2012, young Drizzy, but developed enough to enjoy a pasta dish a step up from Kraft Mac & Cheese.

2013 Drake

Swish by Han, Joso’s, Ristorante Sotto Sotto,

“Eating like I’m seated at Swiss, Joso’s, and Sotto’s…”

— 5AM in Toronto

A slight linguistic controversy with this one. Some lyrical analysts believe Drake is saying “Swish” as in the upscale Toronto Korean-fusion eatery Swish by Han, which closed down in 2014. Others believe he’s saying Swiss, a late night equivalent of TGIF Friday’s where you can get chicken wings and fries at 2 am.

Traditional Italian spots Ristorante Sotto Sotto and Joso’s are perfect backdrops for the crime family gatherings Drake is fascinated with. 2018’s Scorpion has a song titled “Mob Ties” and this year’s “Omertà” Drake raps, “ethics and values, mob traditions, old fashioned Monopoly action”. According to Rap Genius, Omertà is a mafia practice that requires a silent oath in regards to “illegal activities or unlawful practices, regardless of the consequences”. He even compares himself to Marlon Brando’s famed character on “Going Bad”: “Don Corleone. Trust me, at the top it isn't lonely”.

Joso’s and its Godfather aesthetic is where Drake shot the infamously moody album cover for 2011’s Take Care. Fans and tourist go to the restaurant all the time to reenact the photo. So next time you’re planning a trip to Toronto, make sure you fit that in.

Chicken

“Someone put an order in for a chicken,
told my girl to order in, I need the kitchen,
yeah they know I got the hook-up,
they just wait on me to cook up,
Baby I heat up the stove, you do the dishes ya know.”

— Come Thru

More important than chicken, Drake is dismantling outdated gender roles by heading the cooking while his female counterpart is tasked with the clean up.

“Fieri, I’m in the kitchen, I’m a magician.”

— 6 Man

NOT PHOTOSHOPPED

Lobster and Shrimp

“Go get you some lobsters and shrimp.”

— 305 to My City

If Beyonce can go to Red Lobster, Drake can go to Red Lobster.

Hooters

“The one that I needed was Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree. I’ve always been feeling like she was the piece to complete me.”

— From Time

Although Drake does have a penchant for below average chain restaurants, there’s never a reason to purposefully go to a Hooters. Especially in Atlanta where you can find actual good chicken wings and beautiful women anywhere. Drake was solely there for Courtney.

2014 Drake

Nobu’s Crab

“Eatin’ crab out in Malibu at Nobu.”

— Who Do You Love?

By this point, Drake has talked about seafood so much that we shall now call him Shellfish Papi. Nobu Malibu, with all the views Drake lives for, is apparently the only sushi spot for rappers. The name is so rhyme-able that it comes up at least a few times a year in various verses.

2015 Drake

V-Live’s Alfredo Pasta

“V-Live, I order that Alfredo pasta then eat in the kitchen like I’m in the mafia.”

— No Tellin'

And another mafia reference. Drake spent a lot of time at two places in the early part of his career; Houston and strip clubs. The popular strip club frequented by athletes and rappers alike even served as the set for the “Child’s Play” video. The definition of art imitating life.

Unfortunately, after the cameras went away, V-Live was shut down. Besides the owners owing the state of Texas over two hundred thousand dollars in unpaid taxes, a string of Grand Theft Auto type mishaps occurred in a 6-month span.

March of 2016, there was a drive-by shooting where the valet was robbed at gunpoint. June of 2016, Moses Malone Jr., son of NBA Legend Moses Malone, was attacked and robbed by a group of armed men. Then finally in September of 2016, two patrons were shot. Thankfully no one was killed, but it wasn’t a great look for the business.

Although V-Live no longer lives, the club can say it made an impact while it lasted. In the words of their most loyal customer, Drake himself: “here for a good time, not a long time."

Scallops

“And I just came from dinner where I ate some well done seared scallops that were to die for.”

— 30 for 30 Freestyle

Location: Unknown. Cost? Your life. Seems dramatic, but we’ll take Drake’s word for it.

Sotto Cincinnati (But with Serena Williams)

“I mean you kinda look like that girl from the U.S. Open” is what Drake said back in 2010 on J. Cole’s “In the morning”. So it wasn’t a shock when rumors surfaced that Drake and Serena were spending time together. He’d been manifesting their romance for years.

In August of 2015, TMZ released this grainy photo of the two together doing their best Lady and The Tramp impression at Sotto Cincinnati . Their public relationship came and went after Drake distracted her at the US Open costing her another Grand Slam. Has to make you wonder how bad Serena beat Drake in a match after he bragged on “Worst Behavior” that he could “beat Serena when she’s playing with her left”.

2016 Drake

Cheesecake Factory

“Why you gotta fight with me at Cheesecake? You know I love to go there.”

— Child's Play

While Drake is a lover, he likes his options. So the deep attachment to an establishment where you can get gumbo and Thai coconut lime chicken at the same time is very on-brand. The tragedy of Cheesecake Factory is that out of the 250 food options you can order, the only item they do well is the brown bread. That’s it.

2017 Drake

Nobu (Again) and Milestones

“Can’t get Nobu, but you can get Milestones.”

— Gyalchester

Again, an example of Drake’s food politics. Milestones is essentially a Canadian Yardhouse. And as we’ve seen, Drake’s cuisine’s choice is directly correlated to his level of interest in you; the way to his heart is in fact through his stomach.

“Lobster and Céline for all my babies that I miss
Chicken fingers, french fries for them [girls] that wanna diss”

— Jumpman

So if you ever find yourself spending time with Drake and he suggests Milestones, don’t go. He doesn’t like you that much.

2018 Drake

Giorgio Baldi, Madeo, Calamari Rings and Tomato

“Catering is from Giorgio Baldi, Robyn’s favorite.
Shit is nice, but I prefer Madeo.
Calamari rings and tomato.”

— Diplomatic Immunity

The Robyn he’s referring to is the one and only Robyn “Rihanna” Fenty. Santa Monica’s Giorgio Baldi is the celebrity mecca for Italian food and according to Drake, Rihanna’s favorite. Meanwhile he prefers Madeo Ristorante in Beverly Hills.

Gene's PO-Boys and Dat Dog

“In My Feelings” dominated Summer ‘18. An ode to The Jewel City, the song’s producer Trap Money Benny implemented the New Orleans Bounce sound using samples from the late Magnolia Shorty. With the song’s success, Drizzy knew he had to have an even bigger video. After an opening scene starring the legendary actress Phylicia Rashad, Drake is seen gallivanting the town with the most New Orleans Young Money Cash Money Grill he could find.

Highlighting local neighborhood like Frenchman Street and Hollygrove, the video tries to capture an authentic NOLA. And being the foodie Drake is, he made sure to add Gene’s ‘Po-Boys and Dat Dog to the list of local places to visit.

The two dives that serve exactly what their names suggest, ‘po boys and hot dogs.

2019 Drake

Benihanas

“To me, Benihana is pigeon food.”

— Omertà

The B2K MIllennium Tour Starter Kit

In December of 2018, B2K gave Black Millennials the ultimate Christmas present when the quartet announced that they were reuniting and embarking on a tour with fellow early 2000s acts Mario, Pretty Ricky, Lloyd, Bobby Valentino, Ying Yang Twins, and Chingy. The final billing of the 2019 Millennium Tour is what you would get if you took the 2000-2005 AJ and Free era of 106 and Park on the road. For those of you unfamiliar with 106 and Park, familiarize yourself with the BET music video show that launched the careers of many of your favorite artists.

As the pandemonium comes to a city near you, here is an official 2019 Millennium Tour Starter Kit to help you look your absolute best as you scream, “she’s fine or five two” over Instagram live. If that reference was lost upon you, please look up Lloyd’s 2007 single “You”. Enjoy:

Shoes

Nike Air Force 1s

Nike’s Air Force 1 sneakers are so important to the hip-hop community, St. Louis rapper Nelly made an entire song about them sans a brand endorsement. Available in “low”, “mid”, and “high” ankle lengths in various colors, the durable presidential sneakers are versatile and stylish enough for you to purchase two “purrs” to stomp in.

Nike SB DUNKS

A color for every single outfit.

Timberland Boots

“Manolo Blahnik Timbs, Aviator lens”

— Jay-Z, "'03 Bonnie & Clyde"

Mary J. Blige Dancery Boots

The Millennium Tour is essentially a family reunion, so walk in like the out-of-town bougie auntie you were born to be.

Those weird cork/sawdust platform wedges

Dada Supreme Spinner 1’s

DaDa’s signature sneaker for Minnesota Timberwolves All-Star guard Latrell Sprewell was a groundbreaking combination of two “urban” indulgences; sneakers and rims.

In the early and mid-2000s, just about every music video featured cars with spinning rims. Rap group Three 6 Mafia dedicated their song, “Ridin’ Spinners” to the chrome wheel jewelry. If the Supreme Spinners’ came out today, DaDa would certainly be “cancelled” or at least heavily scrutinized given the stereotypical racial undertones of the shoe. Regardless of their “problematic” nature, the DaDa Supreme Spinners’ are symbolic of this period and forever cemented in Black culture history.

Denim

The rule for men’s jeans in the 2000s was to take whatever your actual waist size measured at and add an additional 6 inches.

Jean Shorts

The sizing rule for jeans also applied to jean shorts, or “jorts” as they are not so affectionately called. Another rule for jean shorts: only an inch of the ankle is allowed to show, nothing more.

Jerseys

The rule: Look like you’re on a team.

Jersey dresses

The rule: Look like you’re the girlfriend of somebody on the team.

Crop top/Low Riding Jeans/Super Short Denim Skirts

Baby Phat

Air Brushed Tops

Everything Destiny’s Child and Solange are wearing in this 106 & Park appearance

White/Tall Tee

Like the rules for jeans, a similar rule applied to white/tall tees; find a shirt size that fits then go up an additional three sizes.

Matching Track/Velour Sweatsuits

Rule 1: Look like you’re ready to workout.

Rule 2: Everything must match.

Rule 3: The thicker the velour, the better. Fashion knows no temperature.

Hair

Cornrows

Classic ‘fro

The Kelly Rowland/Mary J Blige/Eve short red hair

Jennifer Freeman’s crinkle curls and Meagan Good’s flat iron press in You Got Served

Lanisha Cole and Lauren London’s hair in Pharrell’s “Frontin’” video

The J Boog S-Curl

Yes, lots of chemicals and hair product.

Du Rags and Fitted Caps

Sweatbands for non-athletic use

Eyebrow slits

Decorate your eyebrows because why not?

Outrageously big chains

“Does your chain hang low?
Does it wobble to da flow?
Does it shine in the light?
Is it platinum, is it gold?
Could you throw it over ya shoulder?
If ya hot, it make ya cold
Does your chain hang low?”

— Jibbs, "Chain Hang Low"

Dance Moves

*Remember that your knees are not what they used to be. So please exercise these moves with caution.

The Harlem Shake

The Wobble

The Chickenhead

Krump

The Heel-Toe

“Pop, Lock & Drop It"

Flap Your Wings

Lean wit’ it rock wit’ it

Every move in Ciara’s “Goodies” video

This move from Usher’s “Yeah” video

The J Boog from You Got Served

A Coordinated Dancehall routine with your friends

The duet dance choreography from Omarion’s “Touch” video

Slide into the concert the way Usher did in the “U Don’t Have to Call” video

Suggested Pre-Game Playlist

• B2K- “Gots ta Be”, “Bump, Bump, Bump”

• Omarion- “Touch”, “Entourage”

• Mario-”Just a Friend 2002”, “Let Me Love You”

• Pretty Ricky- “On the Hotline”, “Grind with Me”

• Lloyd- ”You”, “Get It Shawty”

• Bobby Valentino- “Tell Me”, “Slow Down”

• Ying Yang Twins- “Say I Yi Yi”, “Georgia Dome”

• Chingy-”Right Thurr”, “One Call Away”

20 Perfect Twitter Names

Black Twitter is perfect. Between the memes, one-off jokes, and hilarious commentary, Black Twitter single-handedly made Netflix’s original film, Bird Box, a cultural phenomenon in less than 48 hours. This free viral marketing is the reason companies spend thousands of dollars “borrowing” content from Black Twitter.

The laughs have extended beyond the tweets themselves. What’s now a subtle art of Black Twitter is users taking key moments to create clever names. While some are references to mainstream culture at large, most are specific references to Black culture past and present. Everyday while aimlessly scrolling through my timeline, I’ll notice a name that actually makes me laugh out loud. Here are twenty of my favorite Twitter names, enjoy:

1) Avengers’ Funeral Coordinator

With the average funeral in America costing a little over $7,000, the death industry is quite lucrative. And considering Marvel “killed off ” 12 characters in Infinity Wars, it makes perfect sense for someone to want to be the Avengers' exclusive funeral coordinator. Yes, this is a spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the movie. Yes, I know this isn’t how a spoiler alert works.

2) Resha (no, I’m not riding)

If you’ve been on the internet at any point since July 2018 then you’ve probably heard “In My Feelings” by Drake. The song exploded to the top of the charts after comedian and internet personality The Shiggy Show released an Instagram clip of him dancing to the track. According to Drake, “In My Feelings” wasn’t even going to be the album’s next single, but when he saw that anyone with phone access was doing “The Shiggy Challenge”, Drake and his team decided they had to shoot a music video for the song and include Shiggy himself.

The chorus is lover-boy Aubrey seeking affirmation by asking a different girl each time if she loves him, if she's riding, if she’ll never leave his side because he wants and needs her; all while claiming to be down for her always.

Via Rap Genius

The term “riding” comes from the phrase “Ride or Die". It’s every urban Bonnie and Clyde’s love creed. In it’s most flattering definition, a Ride or Die Chick is a woman who offers unwavering support to her man no matter the circumstance and will journey wherever their love takes them. It’s them against the world, and if she is forced to choose between dying on behalf of their love or turning against her man, she will choose death. What men have used the concept of a Ride or Die Chick to actually mean is for a woman to support them no matter how terrible their decisions are or how much pain a man has put her through so that he will always have a safety net to fall back on. So no, Resha is not riding; know better, do better.

3) That one light-skinned member of the Dora Milajae

The release of Marvel’s Black Panther was a generation defining event. Grossing over $1.347 billion dollars worldwide, it became the highest grossing solo superhero film of all-time, the third-highest grossing film of the MCU, the 9th highest-grossing film of all-time, and the highest-grossing film by a black director. Black Panther is the first mega-budget movie to have an all Black cast and director; and although Wakanda is a fictional country, Black Panther is one of the few films that highlights Africa positively and not through the usual despondent poverty stricken western gaze.

Among Black people, Black Panther broke boundaries. Dating back to slavery, skin color has been a tool used to divide Black people, placing those of a lighter tone, which is considered closer to whiteness, on a pedestal. Light-skinned slaves were able to work in the owners’ house rather than the plantation where the work was violent and arduous. Fair-skinned runaway slaves were able to “pass” in society and better avoid being captured and taken back to their owners. Post-slavery, light-skinned Blacks had better employment and housing opportunities as well as other privileges darker-skinned Blacks weren’t afforded.

Hollywood has had its own biases. Historically, Black female entertainers have overwhelmingly been lighter-skinned with more euro-centric features; longer hair, lighter skin and eyes, thinner lips, a narrower nose. Viola Davis is a great example of an actress who has had to work extremely hard not because of her talent, but because she simply has not fit the mold for what America deems as beautiful. 20 and 22 year-old actresses Amandla Stenberg and Zendaya, both who are biracial, have truthfully acknowledged the fact that their skin tone has made them more desirable in Hollywood. The young stars have courageously spoken out against Hollywood’s colorism problem and the lack of representation for darker-skinned women.

The minute Marvel teased us with images from Black Panther, dark-skinned Black women such as myself collectively gasped when we saw the special force team that is the Dora Milajae. Here we have King T’Challa/Black Panther and Wakanda, the strongest most advance nation in the universe, being guarded by an all-woman militia. Second, these beautifully strong melanated warrior women were free from what society has deemed the ultimate measure of a woman’s femininity, their hair. Incredible.

4) Shuri’s Lab Partner

While T’Challa and Killmonger were the stars of Black Panther, Shuri, T’challa’s baby sister played by Letitia Wright, stole the film. The literal definition of Black Girl Magic, Shuri is a sharp and witty STEM genius who is exponentially smarter than inventor Tony Stark. STEM, which stands for science, technology, engineering, and mathematics has been a male dominated field with little representation or investment in Black communities. The presence of Shuri and the prominent role science and technology serve in Black Panther extends beyond the MCU. After the success of Black Panther and the excitement around Shuri, Disney donated $1 million dollars to 12 different Boys and Girls Clubs of America. One of those cities being Oakland, California, the hometown of director Ryan Coogler.

If science is as foreign of a language to you as it is for me, Shuri is the first person you run to when your chemistry teacher says to pair up with a partner.

5) Deadasspool

Deadass, another one of New York City’s gift to the English lexicon. It means “I’m serious”, “No joke”, or “For real”. And Deadpool, the film about an unconventional self-loathing mercenary who fell into the occupation after a science experiment on his disfigured body went awry. The combination of the words is just funny.

6) Tekashi 69 years in prison

I don’t want to give Tekashi 69 more attention, but this Twitter name is appropriate. Tekashi 69 is a rowdy face-tattoo Soundcloud rapper from Brooklyn. He says the N-word way too much, is constantly screaming about his gun, and has a gross criminal record. Part of the 69’s attention garnering and ascent to fame was him going on Instagram professing his gang affiliation and bragging about his illegal exploits. Well as sure as the motto goes, “the feds were listening”. Tekashi was arrested in November of 2018 and is facing federal racketeering as well as firearm charges with with the possibility of serving a minimum of 32 years in prison. The prosecution team is using his Instagram as evidence. Prison is terrible and I am not celebrating his incarceration, but the irony is hard to miss.

7) Gordan Gartrell Lead Designer

Bill Cosby is rightfully in prison and my heart goes out to the brave survivors. The Cosby Show is also a landmark sitcom that launched the careers of countless actors and became the blueprint for many programs after it. These two facts are hard to reconcile and I’m not going to attempt to do such in this particular post.

One of my favorite episodes of The Cosby Show is “A Shirt Story”. In this episode, Theo Huxtable, the family of seven’s only son, purchases a very expensive “Gordan Gartrell” designer shirt for his date. And like any sensible Black parent, his well-off physician father Dr. Heithcliff Huxtable and attorney mother Claire Huxtable make Theo return the shirt because he is a teenager who doesn’t make Gordan Gartrell money. Disappointed he can’t wear his planned outfit, Theo’s fashionable sister Denise, played by the forever cool Lisa Bonet (Zoe Kravitz’ momma), offers to make him a shirt she insists will look just like the Gordan Gartrell.

Denise’s creation did not at all look like the original and 30 years later references to the famed shirt are still popular.

8) Sean John Velour Sweatsuit

Early 2000s fashion: chains, du-rags, fitted caps, throwback jerseys, and matching sweatsuits. There aren’t many things that symbolize the early 2000s more than Diddy’s line of Sean Jean velour tracksuits. I never understood how people wore them outside of the fall and winter seasons because each suit weighs about 20 pounds and is insulated with the thickest velour on earth. But fashion knows no temperature.

9) Ray J’s moving hat

Ray J, entertainer, Kim Kardahsian’s ex-boyfriend, Brandy’s little brother, singer of my favorite Pharrell track, “Wait a Minute”; a true American icon. The entrepreneur and businessman is also on the reality TV show Love & Hip Hop. And in August 2018, an episode premiered that threw Black twitter into a complete frenzy. Thanks to an amazingly poor editing job during a 30 second segment featuring Ray J and Nicki Minaj’s ex, Safaree, we see Ray J’s beanie move around his head 6 different times. It’s truly magic

This happened all within a 30 second clip.

10) Angela Basset’s Missing Oscar

Angela Basset is one of the greatest actors of our lifetime. She played the legendary Tina Turner better than Tina Turner in What’s Love Got to Do with It and committed to the role so hard that she still has the biceps to show for it 25 years later. Nominated for a Best Actress Academy Award, Black America will not ever get over the fact that she didn’t win the Oscar. As a consolation prize, the universe made sure Angela never ages and just gets more beautiful with time.

11) Don’t be mad, UPS is hiring

Bad Boy Records recording artist Craig Mack, may he rest in peace, made one of the most important hip-hop songs of all-time with 1994’s “Flava In Ya Ear”. He then followed it up with the remix of all remixes in which Biggie, Busta Rhymes, LL Cool J, and prime Puff Daddy ad-libing and dancing away, each give Michael Jordan game 6 performances.

The line, “Don’t be mad UPS is hiring” is a word of advice The Notorious B.I.G. offers to a rapper whose skills are so bad, Biggie thinks they should quit and apply to UPS instead.

Classic Diddy Bop.

12) I know i want my key back

If you don’t watch Issa Rae’s HBO show Insecure, you’re not going to understand this reference. To quickly give context, Issa’s best friend in the show, Molly, is a high-strung, tight-wound successful lawyer who can’t get out of her own way when it comes to dating. Molly doesn’t trust any man’s intentions as she refuses to let a man “distract” her from her career goals.

In season 2, Molly reconnects with her childhood friend, Dro. Dro and Molly start hanging out and soon start a romantic fling. The only problem is Dro’s married, but in an open relationship. Season 3 begins with Molly struggling with her and Dro’s situationship as they are getting emotionally involved which is not a part of the rules and is only complicating things. It’s TV’s version of SZA’s “The Weekend”. Molly begins to distance herself from Dro to avoid getting hurt. But one day in particular, frustrated by Dro’s lack of respect for the boundaries she sets, he demeaningly says to her that she doesn’t know what she wants. Taken aback by the remark, Molly quickly replies with, “I know I want my key back” in reference to the spare key to her place she gave him, effectively ending their fling.

13) Nice Gowns, Beautiful Gowns

Most people know Aretha Franklin, may rest in peace, as the Queen of Soul. But what’s just as important as her musical legacy was her propensity to throw the best shade. If you aren’t familiar with the word “shade”, it means to subtly “diss” someone. Using seemingly kind words and euphemisms, Arthea mastered the art of disrespecting someone without the person even knowing it. She was also quite proficient at giving underhanded comments

In this clip from a few years ago, Aretha is asked about the current wave of female vocalists, which in my opinion was a set up. That’s like asking Michael Jordan about middle school basketball players, he doesn’t care. With each name the interviewer lists, Aretha tries her absolute best to come up with something constructive. By the time she is asked about Taylor Swift, she had run out of words. This is verbatim what Aretha says about Ms. Swift’s singing career: “Okay, well, nice gowns, beautiful gowns”. Nothing at all to do with her artistry or singing abilities. Aretha was applying the rule, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.

14) SMITHSONIAN FUBU MUSEUM

Another early 2000s fashion staple, FUBU, which radically means “For Us By Us” was ahead of its time. FUBU created the blueprint for not only young Black designers but Black business owners in general. FUBU helped instill the idea that young Black artists should take full control of their ingenuity and center their vision around Black people.

27 years after FUBU’s creation, its impact is as strong as ever. Solange uses the idiom as a rallying cry on her album A Seat at the Table. And in Season 3 of Atlanta, there is a gut-wrenching episode that shows just how valuable FUBU and fashion is for Black kids who feel the only way America sees their value is if they look a certain way. FUBU’s legacy justifies its placement in the Smithsonian museum.

15) IF YOU’RE NOT BLACK DON’T SAY IT

I’m not going to spend time offering an academic, socio-political linguistic analysis of the N-word. I’m not breaking down the word’s roots, educating those on its current reclamation by the people previously oppressed by it, nor am I going dissect power and race dynamics in America. The fact is it’s not about if you think anyone should be saying the N-word or not. If you are not Black, you should not say the word nor should you want to, period.

16) 99% of Americans have immigrant ancestors

And this land was stolen from the Native Americans.

17) bird box really didn’t have any black women in it?!

It’s 2019. So yes we are still collectively shocked when a major film does not have a black woman in it.

18) The Black Maroon 5 Member

If you grew up in a predominately white neighborhood and attended predominately white schools, then your childhood photos probably look like these. When you listen to Maroon 5’s music, you wouldn’t think that anyone in that group is a person of color. But there you have it, PJ Morton himself. I hope he accompanies Adam Levine in the Super Bowl halftime show because Atlanta is very black and that stage is going to need as much color as possible.

19) Knuck If You Brunch

Negro spirituals, songs African Americans made that were all about escaping the racist horrors of this world like slavery, lynching, poverty and oppression. “Wade in the Water, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”, “Take My Hand, Precious Lord”, are all about God’s children believing they will reap the good they sewed here on when they finally get to heaven. A grim look at faith, but it got my ancestors through nonetheless.

Times are still tough for Black people; disproportionate rates of incarceration, murders at the hand of the police, disinvestment in our communities, negligible access to credit or capital, which are financial tools needed to shrink the 400-year wealth gap between White and Black Americans.

Millineal Black adults feel the pressures of this in additon to crippling student loan debt, stagnant wages, and increasing costs of living. So we too have had to compose our own Negro Spirituals. A bit different sonically, with 808 drums, heavy samples and hand claps. But the desire for freedom, expression of frustration, joy and excitement are still there in the music. Atlanta rap group Crime Mob blessed us with 2004’s Negro Spiritual, “Knuck If You Buck”. If you’ve never heard the song before and you find yourself at a party, club, or large social gathering with Black people when it comes on, please find the nearest exit and run to it immediatly, because the best kind of riot is about to breakout.

Similarly like our ancestors who took the scraps they were given to make what we now know today as soul food, us Black millenials have learned to take our low balance checking accounts and make the funds stretch enough to include luxurious feasts; weekend brunches. Bottomless mimosas and shrimp and grits will get our money sooner than Sallie Mae will.

20) The Pistons Took Darko in the 03draft

You know what they say? Can’t trust anyone with frosted tips. The 2003 NBA draft is widely considered one of the best drafts of all time. Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Carmelo Anthony, and a high school kid by the name of LeBron James were the drafts first round picks. The Detroit Pistons had the number two pick after Cleveland selected the King himself. And out of all the elite names to choose from, guess who Detroit chose? Yup, Darko Miličić. The 7-foot Serbian standout spent 11 years in the NBA amassing a little under 3,000 career points, only playing more than 60 out of a possible 82 regular season games 4 times in his career. Successful in his own right, Darko went further as a professional athlete than 99% of us ever will by reaching the NBA. But as a Pistons fan, it’s hard not ask the question, “what if?”. Especially when lower picks in that draft included Kyle Korver, David West, and Kendeick Perkns; the last two being eventual NBA champions.

Best Bio: I know I look like the blue Avatar people. I KNOW.

“I know I look like the blue Avatar people. I KNOW”. I aspire to reach this level of self-awareness.

Most Important: Flint, MI hasn’t had clean water since 4-24-2014

Flint hasn’t had clean water since April of 2014. Seeing that no one in our government seems to care, citizens like Little Miss Flint have taken it upon themselves to hold bottled-water drives where hundred of people line for hours to simply get free clean water. Please click the link below to donate.

10 Really Black TV Theme Songs

1) Proud Family (2001-2005)

“They’ll push your buttons
They’ll make you wanna hug ‘em”

— Destiny's Child

2001, it’s hard to imagine a world where Beyoncé is just a 20 year-old burgeoning r&b/pop star recording theme music for a cartoon, and making guest appearances on WB sitcoms like Smart Guy.

Fast forward to today and Beyoncé has solidified herself as a musical genius, transcendent entertainer rivaled only by the late Michael Jackson, and a cultural icon so powerful that she tells Anna Wintour, Vogue, and Coachella how and when things will be done.

The star of the Proud Family’s intro is actually Beyonce’s younger sister Solange. Solange’s evolution has also been quite amazing. One of the most gifted and creative musicians we have today, Solange runs Saint records and gave us a masterpiece that was 2016’s A Seat at the Table.

Accompanying the Knowles sisters in this collaboration are Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, two thirds of Destiny’s Child. Michelle has ventured into gospel music and Kelly Rowland has had a successful r&b career, even collecting a 2000s classic hit, “Dilemma” with rapper Nelly. It is also important to note that Kelendria Rowland seems to never age and is best friends with Serena Williams and Ciara.

Solange is giving us an inspired solo running lines like “even when you start acting like a fool, you know I'm loving every single thing you do”. Beyonce, her thick Houston accent and the other two women are in the background harmonizing “they’ll make you scream, they’ll make you wanna sing!” just like an Aretha Franklin led church choir; Destiny’s Child AME. Beyoncé even gets to a falsetto.

Not pertaining to the song exactly, but a critical part of Black artistry is the work of Ms. Tina, Beyoncé and Solange’s momma. She was the girls’ stylists for many years and the outfits she has them in are peak 2001 swap meet fashion. Bedazzled denim jackets, air brushed cropped tanks, chunky belts, crinkled hair, a cowboy hat, lots of lipgloss, and Kelly Rowland’s Mary J. Blige “dancery” red hair. They were ready for any 106 and Park 2001 music video.

2) The Wayans Bros. (1995-1999)

“We’re brothers, we’re happy and we’re singing and we’re colored”

The opening sequence for The Wayans Bros is a satirical look at the way Hollywood caricatures Black actors. Two Black brothers in the “ghetto” dancing, high-fiving, patting their Afros while giving big slapstick smiles. Once the director screams, “cut, dynomite!", a ‘70s jive term from the Blaxploitation films of that decade, we transition to the rage and frustration Shawn and Marlon feel over this demeaning portrayal. Shaking their heads, deciding they’ve had enough, the two brothers slap the camera out of their purview and walk off set. Like other productions made by the Wayans such as Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, the whole segment is a “message”.

What makes this opening so brilliant is the juxtaposition of Blackness immediately after as rap group A Tribe Called Quest’s “Electric Relaxation” begins to play. For those unfamiliar with A Tribe Called Quest and their cultural significance, the Queens rap trio (sometimes quartet) are the innovators of jazz hip-hop. Jazz being the improvisational musical language of Black people in America post trans-Atlantic salve trade with roots extending back to Africa, the song samples the riff on Ronnie Foster’s “Mystic Brew”. Seeing Tribe’s influence 20 years later, J.Cole sampled that same riff for his song “Forbidden Fruit’ featuring Kendrick Lamar.

3) Moesha (1996-2001)

“Mo to tha E to tha...”

— Brandy Norwood AKA Moesha

The ‘90s and ‘00s saw many popular artists test out their acting skills on the TV screen. At only 17 years of age Brandy Norwood was coming off of her two-time platinum selling self-titled debut with singles like “Best Friend”, “Baby”, and “I Wanna Be Down’. Using the same talents that gave us one of the best r&b albums of the ‘90s, Brandy sang one of catchiest theme songs in recent memory.

Growing up, I was inspired seeing a brown-skinned black girl with braids, “Individuals” as we call them, “Singles” if you’re from the Bay Area, or Kardashian Box Braids if you sadly have no reference to Black culture, with her own show about everyday life in South Los Angeles. Outside of her chanting “Mo to the E to the” over and over again, my favorite moment is when she sings, “I gotta do what I gotta do. I gotta moooove”. Black colloquialism at its finest, Moesha offers no specificity in her intent or meaning yet every Black person understands what she’s trying to convey.

Capturing true Black life in South Los Angeles, the intro is shot in the historic neighborhood of Leimert Park with Moesha dancing in front of the fountain that has been a fixture there since the 1920’s.

If you watch HBO’s Insecure, Leimert Park is where Issa’s former employer, “We Got Y’all” is located and where she gives Nathan a tour of Hot and Cool Cafe, Eso Won Books and World Stage.

4) The Parkers (1999-2004)

“Daaaang Momma! Oouuu let’s party.”

— Countess Vaughn AKA Kimberly Ann Parker

Important Black History fact, The Parkers was the first sitcom to implement auto-tune for a theme song. True trailblazers, The Parkers intro music walked in order for That’s So Raven’s to fly. Because a couple of years after The Parkers first aired, Disney Channel used the same auto-tune and had Raven Simone sounding like T-Pain as she sang, “it’s the future I can see. It’s so mysterious to me”.

A spin-off of Moesha, The Parkers stars pre-meme era Countess Vaughn as Kim Parker. She was Moesha’s best friend and got her own series when her character went off to college. In the show, Kim is joined by her young mother, played by legendary comedian and actress Mo’Nique, who also enrolls at the same time to complete her education. The show follows their lives as not only mother and daughter, but now roommates and college cohorts.

Listening to the ad libs alone, Countess Vaugn is yelling out urban dictionary terminology like “Heeeey”, “That is cayute!”, “Daaaang momma”, and my favorite, “ouuu let’s party!”. Today, City Girls would for sure be doing the remix, period.

5) Living Single (1993-1998)

“Keep your head up, what?
Keep your head up, that’s right
Whenever this life get tough, you gotta fight
With my homegirls standing to my left and my right
True blue, it’s tight like glue”

— Queen Latifah

Another example of a successful solo artist transitioning to television. Hip-hip pioneer, Queen Latifah was coming off of her most successful album yet, Black Reign, featuring hit singles “U.N.I.T.Y.” and “Just Another Day” when she was offered the starring role of Khadijah James, editor and publisher of Flavor Magazine, an independent magazine all about the interests of the urban community. An accomplished rapper, singer, and actress, the New Jersey native did it all.

Following the lives of six young Black professionals maneuvering life in pre-gentrified Brooklyn, Living Single ran for five seasons and became one of the most popular and important TV shows of the last 30 years. Centered around sisterhood, dating, managing your career, and friendship among six very different personalities, Living Single is widely known as the show Friends stole its concept from, adding white characters, making it one of the longest running shows on TV.

If Living Single’s theme song became available for streaming, it would immediately chart. To this day people finish “Ooo in a 90s kinda world…” with “I’m glad I got my girls!”. The empowering lyrics reflect the attitude of the shows female characters who are not ashamed to be living their best single life. Even the video exudes Black womanist power with a dance solo from choreographer Leslie "Big Lez" Segar. 25 years later, that kick is still remembered.

6) Cousin Skeeter (1998-2001)

“You know how he does, and you Skeeter flows
All I wanna do is hug ya ‘cause I like your steelo
And I dig the way you move, and the way you do your thing”

— 702

I can’t tell if this is a Nickelodeon pre-teen program or a Puff Daddy music video. Platinum bubble jackets, all white suits, stage lights, background dancers, and a young Megan Good. Performing a rendition of their hit song “Steelo”, r&b group 702 remixes the song adding Skeeter’s name to the lyrics. Lusting and dancing over a puppet, the ladies are serenading him with lines like “Skeeter is what I want, Skeeter is what I need.” His puppetry aside, Skeeter is charming so the ladies attraction towards him is understandable.

Side note, 702 has one of the best Pharrell beats of all time for their song “I Still Love You”

7) Smart Guy (1997-1999)

“If I make a wrong decision it’s not the end of the world
I will reach my destination
make mistakes from A to Z
with each mistake there’s a new lesson
I can be...
(Anything you want to be!)”

This video has a freestyle rap verse, high-end fashion apparel in the form of a jersey, and the go-to dance move of this time, “The Bankhead Bounce”; the 1998 formula for success. When the Montell Jordan sounding singer croons the words “every day is a new lesson”, I felt that. The beat, the lyrics, the song is legitimately good and saying something quite important.

Bankhead Bounce

Smart Guy deserves infinite praise for 3 reasons in particular. 1) The star who plays TJ Henderson, Tahj Mowry, is the younger brother of twin actresses Tia and Tamera Mowry aka Sister, Sister. 2) Jason Weaver, who plays TJ’s older brother, is one of the most underappreciated actors of the past 30 years. Not only did he sing the role of young Simba in The Lion King movie, he played young Michael Jackson in The Jacksons: An American Dream so well you really believed he was him. 3) Destiny’s Child makes a cameo for an episode in which Beyoncé experiences and enjoys everyday teenage life so much that she contemplates walking away from her blossoming career to be a normal high school student and date Jason Weaver. Thank God this did not happen.

8) Kenan & Kel (1996-2000)

“Everybody out there go run and tell
Your homeboys and home girls it’s time for Kenan and Kel”

— Coolio

As you can tell, Nickelodeon was fully invested in the “urban” demographic. So much so they heard Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” and thought that he would be perfect to record the theme music for their latest young adult program. Fun fact, “Gangsta’s Paradise” is one of the best-selling singles of all time having sold over 6 million copies worldwide.

The lyrics: “Aww here it goes!”, “you gotta watch Kenan ‘cause Kenan be schemin’”, “this ain’t the Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew mystery”. Those are great hip-hop bars that just happen to be for a teen show. The west coast G-funk instrumental is the perfect beat for Compton, California native Coolio to rhyme to. With the synthesizers, bass and strings, Snoop Dogg would have also been great on this.

Before Kenan & Kel, the trio had previously worked together on All That when Coolio appeared as a musical guest. Again, Nickelodeon was all about the urban vibe. So the trio is having the time of their life dancing around, interacting with fans at Universal Studios.

Another piece of Black History, Kel invents the popular dance “The Milly Rock” 20 years before it comes to Brooklyn, New York. It’s now so mainstream that characters can do it in the addictive video game Fortnite.

9) In the House (1995-1999)

“No diggity, no doubt baby
No diggity, no doubt
No diggity, no doubt baby
No diggity, no doubt
We in the house”

— LL Cool J

“No Diggity”, the phrase meaning “most definitely, for sure, absolutely” was popularized by the r&b group Blackstreet on their Dr. Dre produced hit of the same name and became a staple for ‘90s slang lexicon. The In The House theme song doesn’t have a verse and is only LL Cool J repeating the affirmation in his sultry deep voice. But the video, a behind the scenes photo shoot of the cast just looks really cool. Starring the one and only Ladies Love Cool James who was a superstar rapper and sex symbol before he was on NCIS, everyone is stylish and suave in all their black ensembles. Even Alphonso Ribeiro is oozing sex appeal shedding his familiar nerdy look as Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

10) The Jeffersons (1975-1985)

“Fish don’t fry in the kitchen;
Beans don’t burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin’ just to get up that hill
”

— Ja'net Dubois

A Negro spiritual, complete with a choir and church organ, “Movin on Up” is all about this Black family in the ‘70s who beat the odds and reached “The American Dream”. George Jefferson’s dry-cleaning chain had become so successful that he was able to move his wife "Weezy” (Louise) and their son from Queens to a penthouse in Manhattan. And as the song tells us, they took all of their blackness with them; fried fish, beans, and their piece of the pie thanks to a “whole lotta tuh-rying”. All of this not even a decade post-Jim Crow. Racial tension was so high in the show that the White and Black characters were still calling each other Negroes and Honkys.

Honorable Mention:

May have went too far: Cita’s World (1999-2003)

“‘Cause I’m a strong black woman!”

— Cita

Did Cita’s World play into harmful stereotypical tropes about Black women? Absolutely, she is yelling “Cause I’m a strong black woman!” while thrusting her hips and smacking her lips. But, to the shows credit, the BET video music show was the first program to feature a virtual reality Black host. So in that way it broke boundaries and should be included in the litany of Black history facts we tell kids for 28 days out of a year.

The Most Non-Black Black TV Theme Song: Family Matters (1989-1999)

“Well then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls
”

— "As Days Go By", Jesse Frederick

Family Matters is the Black Full House. The same way the music of Creed, Nickleback and 3 Doors Down are indistinguishable from one another, if I close my eyes and listen to “As Days Go By” and “Everywhere You Look” I could not tell you which one is for Michelle Turner and which one if for Steve Urkel. Turns out, Jesse Frederick wrote and preformed the theme music for both TV shows.

Nothing about “As Days Go By” makes you think of a Black middle-class family in Chicago. The second that old-time saloon piano plays, and Frederick’s rough cigarette tinged ‘80s soft-rock ballad voice belts out “cause all I see is a tower of dreams, real love burstin' out of every seam”, I mentally check-out.

Also, we see the grandmother sitting outside on a rocking bench reading a copy of Rolling Stone with U2 on the cover, and I have a hard time believing this. Grandma “Mother” Winslow would have definitely been reading a copy of Ebony with Luther Vandross or Anita Baker gracing the cover while smiling looking at a Colt 45 Billy Dee Williams advertisement.

Bonus: All That ft. TLC (Tek.Lun Remix)

“Now this is just an introduction before we blow your mind
The show is All of That and yes we do it all the time”

— Left Eye

Nickelodeon was so popular in the ‘90s, the network got TLC to sing the theme music for teen variety show All That. I found this remix by Baltimore producer Tek.Lun a few years ago and it has become one of my favorite songs ever since. The saxophone filled jazz instrumental and heavy 808 drums gives the already great song a creative rework. Enjoy

Why Von Wafer's 2011 Missed Dunk Is My All-Time Favorite Missed Dunk

This is Von Wafer. An off the bench rotational player who averaged 12 minutes per-game in his 6 year NBA career and only completed at least half of a season twice. He also played for 7 different teams during this time. Luckily for Von, the first trade took him from the Lakers to the Clippers so he didn’t have to move far.

A top high-school recruit, he finished second to LeBron James in the 2003 McDonalds All-American dunk contest. Without doubt this is an accomplishment he casually brings up in the barbershop and will remind his children and future grandchildren for years to come. Von may even be walking around with that trophy right now.

Von’s government name is Vakeaton Quamar Wafer. I don’t know what it means or how to pronounce it but I’m sure the person who gave it to him meant well. However, to grow up with a name like that you’re forced to develop an unshakable confidence during your adolescent years. Unfortunately for Vakeaton, that unshakable confidence came back to haunt him during an April 11th, 2011 game against the Washington Wizards. Here is the play:

Commentator 1: “A missed slam! And O’Neil called for double dribble.” Commentator 2: “Well he ran into his own teammate, or actually I should say Von Wafer ran into him. So back to back mistakes, mental errors for Wafer. Missing the dunk then coming in and distracting his teammate.”

The Von Wafer missed dunk is the, “Nick Young shoot a 3, turn around and prematurely celebrate” before it even existed. Fun fact, Nick Young was playing for the Washington Wizards in this very game. Coincidence? I think not. The universe was forewarning us.

Watching this play in my college dorm room was the first time I truly experienced secondhand embarrassment. 7 long years have passed and I think about the miss everyday. Let’s breakdown the debacle of a dunk into 5 separate acts.

Act 1: “The Takeoff”

Von is full steam ahead, setting us up for what looks like a SportsCenter Top Ten Shawn Kemp-esque slam. Cocking your arm all the way back is a risky move because if you don’t control the ball tightly then you may, well you saw what happened…

Act 2: “The Emphatic Jam”

Von’s thoughts as he lays the hammer down: “LeBron, you’re not the only one who can destroy a rim. I should’ve won that high-school dunk contest. Watch this.” The best part is the landing. Von believes he nailed the dunk as evidenced by his swaggerfied body language; shoulders and arms swinging back and forth.

Act 3: “Fan stare down and bumping into your teammate”

Glaring at the fans, mean-mugging the crowd, Von is basking in all the glory while his teammates are trying to salvage the possession. Basically playing 4 on 5 without Wafer, the situation can’t get any worse for Boston, right? Yes, yes it can. As Von returns to his job, he’s clueless to the live action that’s happening and slams right into his teammate Jermaine O’Neil causing a turnover. It would be a great defensive play if only Von played for the opposing team.

Act 4: “Pretend to be disappointed with exaggerated facial expressions”

This is my favorite part of the whole fiasco. You know when you’ve messed up so bad, and it’s completely your fault that in order to ease the deserved tongue-lashing you’re prepared to receive you make yourself look overtly disappointed and upset by contorting your face and taking deep exasperated breaths? That’s exactly what Von is doing here. He hadn't yet seen the replay and doesn’t actually know what went wrong. But he sees his coach’s face which is a combination of bewilderment and pure frustration and hears his teammates asking variations of “what the [expletive] are you doing?”. All he knows is the best thing to do is to look remorseful.

Act 5: “The Awkward Run-off”

My second favorite thing to happen in this missed dunk tragedy. There was a dead ball before this and every other other player is sauntering to their position. Meanwhile, Von begins to do the basketball equivalent of office busy work running to a random part of the court to mask the confusion he’s experiencing. In another video, the Southwest Airlines “Wanna get away?” voice starts to play because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do by running off like that.

Vakeaton, you accomplished what 99.99% of the world will never do, which is get drafted and play in the NBA. There is absolutely no shame in your light-hearted flub. Thank you for the unintentional comedy and relatable moment. I commit unforced errors at such an astronomic rate that I’ve become a professional apologizer.

Next time you have an opportunity to either play it safe or go up with the same confidence as the person who named Von “Vakeaton Quamer”, you do the latter every single time.

12 Hip-Hop Quotes as Motivational Posters

Hip-hop is a poetic art form. The stories hip-hop artists’ paint are uniquely creative, rugged and often times autobiographical. What has propelled hip-hop to its current all time high level of popularity over a short 30 years is the genre’s ability to directly and intimately relate to people. The best rappers are vulnerable, soul bearing and stylish in the way they express their feelings. My favorite rap songs have gotten me through some trying days subtly offering me wisdom. So instead of cloying Hallmark cards (The Mahogany Collection is wild), generic canvas art courtesy of Target’s dorm collection, or posters made for Christian book stores, I made a dozen inspirational rap posters for you to enjoy. Many of these lyrics I quote on a daily basis driving my friends mad. Life throws challenges our way and sometimes we need fun little pick me ups reminding us that we are still in fact the dopest person ever and that losses don’t last forever. Much love, keep your head up.

1) “Fo’ fo’s I'm tippin'/ wood grain I'm gripping
catch me lane switching with the paint dripping/ turn your neck and your dame missing” -Mike Jones, “Still Tippin’”

Translation: I’m cruising in my 1984 Cadillac equipped with the most luxurious amenities; 30 spoke wire rims and the finest wood grain steering wheel. If you are lucky, you will see me and my car parlaying in and out of lanes with a paint job so fresh that it’s still wet and may even drip a bit. Oh, and I’m so charming that if you turn your head for the slightest second, fixing your gaze elsewhere, your partner will be gone in an instant as they have decided to come with me instead.

Even if you don’t have a car this line give you the confidence to attack your day with vigor and a bit of Houston cool. It’s not what you do, but how you do it. So go out there and stunt in whatever capacity available to you and let people know you are that person.

2) “Flaws ain’t flaws when it’s you that makes the call” -Pusha T, “So Appalled”

Translation: When you are in charge, performing the hard labor and making the tough decisions, your shortcomings aren’t weaknesses.

Be the Beyoncé of your life. When Beyoncé had a slip at the Super Bowl, she recovered so nimbly that it actually made you admire her even more.

You are the boss of your life, micromanaging your daily duties and taking full responsibility of what you do. Flaws aren’t deficiencies but rather small obstacles you simply maneuver through.

3) “I trip to make the fall shorter” -Chance The Rapper, “Acid Rain”

Translation: I give myself permission to make mistakes that will ground and prepare me for life’s inevitable lows and valleys.

As Yeats says in his poem “The Second Coming”, “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold”. It’s not a matter of if you fall, but when you fall. In fact, the longer you delay the inevitable forces of gravity, the harder the fall will be. Strive to do your best, let go, and know that it’s okay to stumble along the way. This is where you experience the most growth and learn prime lessons.

4) “Neva let me slip, ‘cause if I slip then I’m slippin” - Dr. Dre, “Nuthing But a “G” Thang”

Translation: Please don’t let me slip, because if I slip in this one particular area of my life, then I’m slipping in all other areas.

Accountability to oneself and others is a key to success. Dr. Dre is asking his comrade, probably Snoop Dog, to not let him slip up because logical fallacy states that if we allow error A to happen then error Z will eventually happen, so avoid error A. It’s a good daily reminder to put quality into everything we do in order to avoid continuous carelessness.

5) “Girl recognize game, before game recognize you - Chingy, “One Call Away”

Translation: Girl, don’t get played. People with ill intentions looking to scheme and plot will have their sights set on you from a mile away, so spot them first; head on a swivel at all times.

Art of War by Sun Tzu says, “If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle”. I’m certain this is what Chingy was talking about.

6) “I’ll be there in 5 minutes/5 hours later, ‘I’ll be there in 5 minutes’” - Kanye West, “Late”

Translation: I said what I said. I will be there once I get there.

We are constantly acquiescing to the needs of everyone besides ourselves. It is not possible or healthy to try and fulfill everybody’s desires at their demanding pace. There is nothing wrong with slowing down, taking our time, and arriving when we feel good and ready. Ownership of our time, body and energy is imperative to our total well-being.

7) “So, now, I’m back spittin’ that heat, could pass a polygraph” - Jay Electronica, “Exhibit C”

Translation: The words coming from my mouth are such truth that I would pass any lie detector test.

In hip-hop, it’s all about credibility and keeping it real. If Twitter finds out you’ve been lying about where you come from or what you’ve done, your career could be ruined. Jay Electronica, being the wordsmith that he is (we’re still waiting on that album), found one of the most creative ways to tell us how honest he keeps it. What’s even savvier is when you play the song the line works as a double entendre as it sounds like he is also saying “so now I’m back spittin’ that ‘he could pass a polygraph’”.

Like Jay Electronica, your word should be bond. Whether people like what you have to say or not, always tell the truth.

8) “I never let a statue tell me how nice I am” - Phife Dawg, “Award Tour”

Translation: Never will I allow an engineered award voted by people I do not know nor who know me define who I am, assign my worth, or label my talent or work ethnic. I will not give subjective benchmarks of public opinion the authority to declare if me or my art matters.

First and foremost, Rest in Peace Malik “Phife Dawg” Taylor, part of the legendary hip-hop group A Tribe Called Quest. We miss you.

Too many times we place our value in external affirmations. We lose sight of refining and enjoying our craft for the craft’s sake and forget that we are important no matter what other people say or do not say about us. If you know you are great, that’s all that matters. No dollar amount, sheet of paper, or award will ever encompass our fullness.

9) “My future so bright I’d probably go blind before I blink twice, I ain’t lying” - Kendrick Lamar, “The Heart Pt. 2”

Translation: My future is so incredibly bright that if you look at it, it can blind you.

Sometimes your own future will inspire you.

10) “Spaceships/don’t come equipped/with rear view mirrors/ they dip/as quick as they can” - Andre 3000, “Int’l Players Anthem (I Choose You)”

Translation: Entities with the potential to travel so far that they break atmospheres don’t come with rear view mirrors. With that type of trajectory, you’ll be moving so quickly that you won’t have the time to look back.

In the poem, “Our Deepest Fear”, Marianne Williamson writes that, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” We often hinder our own progress; lamenting our past, intimated by our future. We spend too much time looking back, rather than letting our journey take us to heights we didn’t imagine for ourselves. Williamson continues on saying “your playing small does not serve the world.” We are supposed to squeeze every ounce of purpose embedded in each of us. And Andre 3000’s spaceship analogy says it best. Nothing with such great power has time to look back when what is ahead is so vital.

11) “I’m not sayin’ I’m number one/Uhh I’m sorry I lied, I’m number one, two, three, four, and five!” - KRS-One, “Step Into a World”

Translation: I apologize if you thought I was being humble when I said I’m not number one. What I meant was that I am not exclusively number one, but that I am in fact number one, two, three, four, and five.

Instead of choice a, it was choice e, all of the above. Self promotion is good. You have to believe you are the best option in order for other people to believe it as well. Next time you ask for a raise, which should be every year, just quote this line when explaining to your boss why you deserve a salary increase.

12) “Stay far from timid/only make moves when your heart’s in it/and live the phrase ‘Sky’s The Limit’” - The Notorious B.I.G., “Sky’s The Limit”

Translation: Keep nervous, fearful, wavering energy far away from you. Instead, passionately pursue that which burns inside you. There is no ceiling on what you can accomplish.

People will tell you what you can and can’t do, that your dreams are crazy. You will face rejection, doubt will creep in, but if you stay focused and work in a way that blocks out the noise and distraction, your path is boundless.

Nonsensical Rap Lyrics Pt. 1

I love rap. I love the gaudy lifestyles rappers tell us they live; the propensity to "stunt". I love the way rappers adopt larger than life personas to support their fantasies. Rarely do I criticize artists for painting pictures that serve as an escape just like any other art form. However, there are times lyrics are so ridiculous and comical, you have to rewind the song to make sure you heard them properly.

Me listening to some of these rap songs

I complied a list of some of my favorite impossible and impractical rap lyrics.

"Shake Ya Tailfeather"- Nelly, P.Diddy, Murphy Lee

“Is that ya ass or ya momma half-reindeer?”

— Nelly

Disclaimer, I'm not ignoring the misogyny, crudeness, and objectification of the female body, just pushing it to the side for the sake of this current topic. It's summer 2003, Bad Boys II starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence just came out and "Shake Ya Tailfeather" is the lead single for the movie's soundtrack. Diddy is going by his second moniker after Puff Daddy, and Nelly just shed his trademark cheekbone band-aid.

The first question Nelly asks this woman, "is that ya ass?" is rhetorical. Nelly is making way for his punch line because of course the backside is hers, who else's could it be? The second question, "Is your momma half-reindeer?" is the outstanding one. A reindeer booty, an old metaphor for a woman with a large derriere. Very funny, Nelly. Besides the fact that the question is silly, it's not possible for a reindeer and human to conceive and create a half-reindeer child; and then pass those genetics on to this young lady making her a quarter reindeer. Additionally, what type of response did Nelly want from this woman. Was she just supposed to smile and say "no, Nelly, my momma isn't half-reindeer".

"A Bay Bay"-Hurricane Chris

“Now when I holla ‘A Bay Bay’, I’m finna get my groove on. It’s so hot up in this club that I ain’t got no shoes on”

— Hurricane Chris

I don't know who or what we're hollering 'A Bay Bay' at, but I do know this song turns up at the function. The clap along beat and children echoing the chorus is super catchy. And as soon as the song starts and Hurricane begins his verse, he's "in his bag " as the kids say. Stepping into the club feeling on top of the world, nobody can tell Chris anything. With the club filled to capacity, the temperature is too high for Hurricane. So he does what any one would do, he takes his shoes off.

Coming from Louisiana and it being 2007, Hurricane Chris was definitely wearing a brightly colored pair of Air Force 1's, ankle-lengthened jean shorts and a XXL ProClub Tall T. And I'm having a hard time believing Chris would jeopardize his fresh just to cool down. Also, what about the socks? Are those coming off too? Once off, did he put his socks and shoes next to the bottles in VIP? Did he put them under a sofa? Or maybe behind the DJ booth? This sounds like a Dr. Seuss nursery rhyme.

Paramount to the safety of Hurricane Chris's shoes is the safety of his feet. He could step on broken glass, get stabbed by a high heel, or slip on a wet spot. Not to mention getting blisters from dancing too hard. Bare-feet anywhere outside the beach, pool, or your home is not safe or sanitary.

"Wait (The Whisper Song)"-Ying Yang Twins

“Walkin’ round the club with ya thumb in ya mouth””

— Kane, Yang of the Ying Yang Twins

Kaine and D-Roc of The Ying Yang Twins made an iconic party staple whispering over an entire track; never-mind the fact that this would be an ineffective way to speak to anyone in a boisterous club.

 "Walkin' round the club with ya thumb in ya mouth". I believe they're trying to make this woman sound sexy. But there is nothing enticing about a grown woman walking around a dark club with her finger in her mouth. It's poor hygiene. We carry at least 3,000 bacteria from 150 different species on our hands alone (University of Colorado at Boulder). And guess what bacteria type we carry the most on our hands? Fecal matter; poop. So please do not walk around the club or anywhere in life with your fingers in your mouth.

"This Is Why I'm Hot"-MIMS

“This is why I’m hot, I don’t gotta rap, I can sell a mil sayin’ nothin on the track (silence)”

— MIMS

MIMS' "This Is Why I'm Hot" did in fact go platinum, selling a million copies. But not by being silent on a 3 minute track. If he were to say nothing on a track, would it just be an instrumental or did he mean complete silence? Because complete silence sounds like an experimental project Jaden Smith would do today. Jaden could tweet something like "But will you support my silence?" and his followers would immediately go download a 4 minute song with absolutely nothing on it and make it go platinum in an hour. Complex magazine, with their "high" journalistic and artistic integrity would then write "Why Jaden Smith's Silent Track Is More Important Than Nas' Ilmatic". Peak click-bait.

"Grillz"-Nelly

“Rob the jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill!”

— Nelly

I do not condone theft of any sort. Remember, this is about nonsensical make believe lyrics. Instead, this is similar to when you're watching a movie about a bunch of guys planning a robbery and you end up rooting for them because their logic is so bad and you wish you could help them out. Like the classic film Set It Off, I'm simply intrigued by the story line.

Nelly and his crew

With that being said, the order of this operation is completely wrong. Nelly and his crew should act like they are in fact purchasing the grill so that the jeweler puts his best effort into what is a very important cultural piece.

What may be even more perturbing than the fact that Nelly is planning a heist, is that Nelly thinks grills are made instantaneously. The jeweler has to make a mold of your mouth, order the diamonds, design and color them, then carefully place and set them. Making it highly unlikely for Nelly to get his grill that same day.

"Right Thurr"-Chingy

“Gimme what you got for a porkchop.
She threw it at me like I was a short-stop”

— Chingy

The second part is witty, but the first part "gimmie what you got for a pork chop" is confusing. Not in the most obscure parts of my mind can I guess what that means. Is it a prize situation where the girl gets a pork chop for dancing well? Even Rap Genius, which is the musical voice of God herself had no clue.

"6 Foot 7 Foot"- Lil Wayne

“Swagger down pat, call my sh*t Patricia”

— Weezy

This post could be entirely made up of Lil Wayne lyrics. As creative as he's been, especially during his 2007-2012 dominance, he has said some head-scratching things. And if you question his lyrics, the Lil Wayne martians will say you just don't understand. I mean, remember when Lil Wayne was just mispronouncing words then saying "oops I mean" before saying the correct word and calling that a bar?

To have something "down pat" means to have something mastered or memorized. He's saying his swagger is so impeccable and "down pat" that you need to call it by it's original name. But "pat" does not originate from the name Patricia. In fact, the shortened name for Patricia would be patty. And I don't think that's what he wants us to call his swag.

Bonus: Anytime Lil Wayne says "Weezy F. Baby and the F is for Phenomenal"

How many young Lil Wayne fans failed spelling tests because they were using an F to spell "Phenomenal"?

Anytime Nicki Minaj tries to rhyme "Nah" with "Knives"

"Make Love"-Gucci Mane Ft. Nicki Minaj

“I rep Queens where they listen to a bunch of Nas
I’m a yes and these b**ches is a bunch of nahs
Tryin’ to win a gunfight with a bunch of knives
”

— Nicki Minaj

The entire song is an enticing mess. Between Nicki and Gucci both, they are really pushing the boundaries of what makes sense. Gucci says he's going to spend a million dollars on his wedding cake and shares his mental health issues in a problematic comparative rhyme saying "you're more bipolar than me". In Nicki Minaj's verse alone she takes two bars off just to laugh and then tell us that she just took two bars off just to laugh.

Honorable Mention:

Young Thug's Entire Verse On Drake's "Sacrifices"

“I’ma use your name like, “Who is he?”
You get it? I said I’ma use a name like, “Who is he?””

— Young Thug

Drake has a particular rhyme scheme on "sacrifices" that flows like this: "Lost millions in the past, I'm talking maybe like 8". And when Thugger borrows it for his own verse, it just doesn't resonate the same. At one point, trying to expand his creativity, Young Thug says, "I’m talkin' neat like freak" followed by other lines that make absolutely no sense.

Historical: "Wanna Be Startin' Something"- Michael Jackson

“Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa
Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa”

— Michael Jackson

No "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' isn't a rap song, but MJ is ingrained in the fabric of all music. He's also every black person's cousin. And a lot of us grew up hearing and dancing along to this phrase without knowing what the heck it meant. Turns out The King of Pop stole the line from Cameroonian musician Manu Dibango and his song "Soul Makossa".

What really makes no sense is the fact that someone made a 10 hour YouTube clip of Michael Jackson singing "Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa" over and over again. Feel free to check it out:

"Did I Really Just Read That Headline?" Pt. 1

2017, the year that made us so accustomed to made for TV news stories that when Elon Musk randomly shot a "rocket" into the sky, many assumed it was either a UFO or North Korea, because both were equally plausible. Fast forward four days into 2018, Northern Californian residents felt their homes shake. Yet, instead of assuming a natural phenomenon like an earthquake, people reasonably believed 45 pressed the button. What a time to be alive.

While news stories paralleling episodes of Black Mirror have become normalized, several times over the past year I'd scroll through my timeline, stop and re-read a headline to make sure to I read it correctly. So to celebrate the beginning of 2018, here are some of the wildest headlines from the past year.

"Sword fight breaks out outside Bronx apartment building"-New York Post

The Bronx is known for a lot of cool things, the birth of hip-hop, rapper KRS-One, The Boogie Down Productions and their classic diss track "The Bridge Is Over", J-Lo, Fat Joe, Remy Ma, Cardi B, Desus Nice & The Kid Mero of The Bodega Boys, even Ralph Lauren & Calvin Klein. Thankfully, we can now add sword fights to that prominent list.

It has long been said that temperatures and attitudes flare in the heat of New York summers. But I want to know just how irritated you have to be to unleash a sword on someone. This story is the quintessential urban version of Game of Thrones, or as Black Twitter calls it, #DemThrones. Full disclosure, I have never watched an episode; mainly because I value my time and don't particularly care for incest or poor hygiene. Although, if a Lin-Manuel Miranda produced musical reboot called "Dem Thrones" took place in the Bronx and had people dueling over rap verses, gentrification and whose Bodega is better, I would be all in.

Several questions about this particular incident come to mind. One, what was the disagreement over? Two, why do people buy swords? Three, how hot was it that day? Four, why didn't this footage end up on Black Twitter or WorldStar HipHop? Five, was the person with the sword black? And If so, I truly did not know black people were into swords.

My favorite part of the article: "It's not clear why he was there, as there was no police report made of the brief encounter".

A fight between one man wielding a heavy metal rod and the other a samurai sword, but there isn't a police report? How? Police have filed reports for jaywalking.

"A repairman got stuck behind an ATM and ended up slipping "help me" notes through the receipt slot"-CNN

The visual of a grown man getting caught inside of an ATM will never not be funny. My initial thoughts: "Oh my gosh, how big is the inside of an ATM? Wait, how small is this man to be able to fit inside of an ATM?". I'm 6'2 and slightly claustrophobic, so I surely would have passed out and seen my last days in that machine; which isn't a bad way to go. Remember when rapper 2 Chainz said, "When I die, bury me inside a Louis (Vuitton) store? I'm pretty sure this is the same thing.

Next, I visualize the patron's face when instead of they receiving their bank balance, they received a handwritten S.O.S. note. That is terrifying. A talking ATM Transformer? 2017 already showed us that robot citizens like Sophia are plotting to kill us all.

Immediately, I would have ran away like a smart black person does in the first scene of a horror film. My other reaction would have been to storm inside the bank and express to the manager how attacked I felt that my low millennial funds warranted a "help me" note . Am I the only one who presses "no receipt" to avoid seeing the truth?

"NASA promises there aren't any child slaves on Mars"-CNET

NASA is an important agency of the U.S. government. And although I'm not to privy the ins and outs of its daily workings, I can almost guarantee you that it had way more important space work that supersedes making official announcements denying an interplanetary slave trade on mars. I am a proud conspiracy theorist. I mean the more ridiculous, the better. But, I'm also practical. Have you ever met a child? They have to eat, use the restroom, play games on your phone; a lot of work. And while I don't know much about space (I've never seen a single Star Wars), I did watch Hidden Figures and Chris Pine in Star Trek, I know that getting to space is hard. Not to mention, we all regrettably saw The Martian. And if that movie didn't do anything else (which it didn't), it proved that living on Mars is also really hard. Adding the responsibility of raising kidnapped and smuggled children simply doesn't make sense. I'm tired just thinking of the logistics to make this happen. Not practical for real life, but the perfect plot for the next installment of Guardians of The Galaxy.

My only knowledge of space

"Kansas woman tries to kill bug with a lighter and ends up setting her apartment on fire"- Washington Post

I'm laughing out loud at this article because this is completely something I would do. I hate bugs. In fact, the only reason I plan on getting married is so that my husband can kill bugs for me. What makes this article even better, is the look on the woman's face. She isn't embarrassed or ashamed in the slightest bit. Her face screams, "I did what I had to do. And I'd do it again." More power to her.

"Florida police warn people not to shoot their guns at Hurricane Irma"-People

Obligatory, apropos, on brand, however you want to call it, this headline is so Florida that the joke writes itself. I'm not sure why residents thought shooting a gun at a hurricane would accomplish anything. It sounds quite dangerous actually. But the image of a bunch of angry Floridians screaming at a storm like  Lieutenant Dan screaming at God in Forrest Gump is hilarious.

"Truck full of eels overturns in Oregon, sliming Sedan"- The Oregonian

Another very on brand news article. When I think of Oregon, I think of trees and water and nature. So a truck full of eels makes sense. Does insurance cover this? I would have been so pissed if I was driving behind this car and ran over a bunch of eels.

The past twelve months have literally been a Shonda Rhymes production. Or that weird final culmination of Lost which still no one understands. Here's to a prosperous 2018!

My 10 Favorite Black Phrases

“We die. That may be the meaning of life. But we do language. That may be the measure of our lives.”

— Toni Morrison

For marginalized groups, language is more than a method of communicating thoughts and ideas. Language functions as a tool to define and express for ourselves who we are; rather than our existence being contingent on the thoughts and assumptions of the majority or "default" group.

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”

— Audre Lorde

For Black Americans in particular, our heritage and native tongue were taken during the transatlantic slave trade. And by the time of post-Reconstruction, through means of systematic oppression, community disinvestment, unequal access to public infrastructure, and political disenfranchisement, we’d been pushed to live in the margins. Yet amid all this, Black America found a way to create a culture so distinct that it has influenced the world. One of those cultural distinctions is our language.

America is highly segregated and there are swathes of people uneducated to vernacular not like theirs. People with this lack of exposure to anything considered different, are quick to proclaim another person's speech improper or incorrect. I challenge these people to ask themselves, “who exactly owns language and who has the power to assign normative ideals to other forms of expression?” Language evolves, grows and is malleable depending on the space one occupies. And in many cases, being able to fluidly change one’s speech is a form of survival.

“‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean- neither more nor less.’

’The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.’

’The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master-that’s all.’”

— Lewis Carrol, Through the Looking Glass

Tri-tongued orator, Jamila Lyiscott gives a powerful 4 minute spoken word TED Talk on what it means to be "articulate". As she says, "even articulate Americans sound foolish to the British".

So before reading these ten very black phrases and thinking "this isn't proper language", learn to respect the different spaces that exist in this country and understand that culture, heritage, and humor are ever-changing; and for many people language is a way to celebrate their unique identity in a country that has ostracized them for being different.

1) Do I look like Boo-Boo The Fool?

You know when someone makes a mistake and then lies to you about it, but the lie is so bad that you're actually more offended by the terrible lie than the actual misdeed itself? That's where the phrase "Do I look like Boo-Boo The Fool?" comes from.

The brilliance of black parents is that they can make you feel stupid with a few words and a glare. Forget corporal punishment, although they are good at that too. Black parents will read you to the heavens and make you reevaluate your entire life. For example, let's say a kid comes home past their curfew and the parent asks the child why they are late. Instead of accepting the repercussions or come up with a believable excuse, the kid answers with, "See, what had happened was my phone restarted and changed my clock so I thought it was 10 p.m., instead of midnight. I called the house phone, but it rang busy and I forgot your cell phone number. So I then tried to email you, but the message didn't send". The parent will promptly respond with "Do I look like Boo-Boo The Fool?". Meaning, do I like like a simpleton? Do I look that dumb? Oh, so you think I am stupid? At this point, the adolescent in question is thinking to themselves 1) "Who the heck is boo-boo the fool?" and 2) "I don't know? Maybe you do look like boo-boo the fool". But saying, "no, you do not look like Boo-Boo The Fool" is worse than a wrong answer, because duh, the question is rhetorical. And if you don't understand that the question is rhetorical, you will piss your parent off even more because they will further question your processing skills.

2) I'm not one of you little friends.

Another staple for black parents. This statement will be affirmed to you with a swiftness when you seem to forget who exactly you are speaking to. Scenario: your parent storms into your room unannounced, without knocking, because why would they knock in their own house? They then give you an order such as, "take out the trash", without a single care for what you're currently doing, because why would they adhere to your schedule? You respond in a way that's logical to you, "Okay I'll do it when I'm done...". Before you finish the last word, you already know you messed up and wish you could start that sentence over. At this point, your mom is slowly turning her neck around like that scene in the exorcist. "Excuse me?", she asks. You are too scared to repeat yourself. After a mouthful of expletives and reminders that you live in her house and are lucky to be there, she will finish it off with "I don't know who you think you are taking to, because I am not one of your little friends".

I'm not one of your little friends is one of the most dismissive phrases someone can use. It draws a line saying "no matter how much I love you, this relationship ain't equal". Your parent couldn't care less how you and your friends converse with one another. When you're speaking to them, you speak with respect. Also, your parent calling your friends "little" is not in regard to stature, they could all be over six feet tall. In this case, "little" means your friends are not on your parent's level, caliber, importance; which is why you will not speak to them any type of way. Again, black parents are masters at humbling you.

3) Whose mans is this?

These are words you do not want to hear If you're out at a function enjoying yourself. As soon as this phrase is said, you immediately stop what you're doing and head over to see what happened. And on the way you are praying that the person in question is not a friend or acquaintance of yours. Why? Because "Whose Mans Is This" is only said when someone did something so wild and outlandish, the rest of the party needs to know where this person came from and who brought them, because it is time for them to go.

"Whose Mans" is the first thing asked on Black Twitter when one of our own celebrities is "doing too much". Although we may not know these celebrities personally, we feel a kinship seeing that they represent the culture at large. So it really hurts when a celebrity does something that embarrasses us. As much as I love Kanye, I've unfortunately had to use "Whose mans is this?" in reference to him way too many times over the past few years. One of the most recent times is when he dyed his hair several colors trying to look like a rainbow sherbet push-pop. I was so appalled and hurt that I had to ask this dreadful question, because at the moment he definitely was not my mans.

4) One monkey don't stop no show.

"One monkey don't stop no show" is pretty straight forward. It's the black version of "the show must go on". In the middle of your hustle and striving, no person or circumstance will impede your progress or keep you  from keepin' on (bonus black phrase).

5) Just tryna make a dollar out of fifteen cents.

An ode to the black entrepreneurship spirit over the years. Black people built this country for free and were the backbone of the economy during slavery. America has flourished on the backs of black people; our labor, services, and ingenuity. And when slavery ended, we didn't even receive the 40 acres or mule we were promised. I have yet to see a reparation check for the work my ancestors did. Today, our communities and schools are severely under-resourced, widening the achievement gap and hindering many Black Americans chances at getting a good job. Furthermore, America is a "good ole' boys club", so even if a black person has the same education level and experience as a white man, they will be grossly underpaid. So, no matter what rung of the socioeconomic ladder you fall under, this mentality of trying to make whatever you get stretch to something much more, remains.

6) Let me call you back when I get in this house and get settled.

9 out of every 10 black women has weekly phone calls so long that it takes up your drive from Santa Monica to Pasadena. For non, Los Angeles residents, that's the same time it would take you to commute from New York City to Philadelphia on the train.

Once they've talked to the point of physical exhaustion, this is how the phone call ends, “Alright girl, well I just got home. Let me call you back when I get in this house and get settled”. The person on the other line usually says “Okay girl that’s fine, call me back”. Both parties know that there won't be another phone call. That was their farewell. I don’t know why Black people just can’t say "I have to go, good talking to you, bye". I guess we don’t want to make the other person feel like we're no longer interested in their conversation. I've heard every nonsensical reason to get off the phone, many I have used: "Girl, I just opened this grape juice, let me call you right back. “Girl, this wind is blowing at my door too hard, I’m gonna have to call you right back. “Hold on the microwave is on in the kitchen and I’m in the bathroom, I’ll call you back

7) God knows my heart.

God knows my heart is code for “Yes, I know my actions are wrong but God knows that deep down inside I want to do good; just way way deep”. Once someone has said “God knows my heart”,  just know they’ve already made up in their mind that they are A) Currently sinning B) About to sin C) Premeditating a future sin D) Justifying a past sin or E) All of the above.

I know God is tired of us co-signing his name on our mess. But that is exactly what grace and mercy are for. Yes, lawd.

8) I know my car.

Friend: “You should probably pull over and get gas, you’re on E”
Me: "I know my car"
Black people wait until the last possible moment to fill up their gas tank. Two of my favorite early 2000s rap songs document this refusal to keep ones gas tank full no matter how much money you have.

“I pull up at the club VIP
Gas tank on E
But all drinks on me (wipe me down)”

— Foxx, Wipe Me Down

“Got a quarter tank of gas
in my new E class
But that’s alright,
cause I’m gon’ ride”

— Mannie Fresh, Still Fly

“Whip ain’t got no gas tank but it still got wood grain”

— Frank Ocean, Pyramids

Constantly filling up your gas tank feels like a waste of an expense. If I spend $40 plus dollars, I want something to show for it.  So out of defiance, I wait until that little fuel gauge is right below the empty line, and then I’m going use the 15 miles of gas in the reserve tank. And if worse comes to worse and I run out of gas(which I have, right where the I-10W & 405 meet in West LA, aka Hell on Earth), I have roadside assistance.  

The other reason black people love saying this phrase is out of pure pettiness. There are few things more annoying than a passenger peering at my dashboard giving me unsolicited advice. Because that same person riding in your car typically offers zero to marginally small contributions towards the gas tank they're commenting on. You can’t tell me how to live my life if you aren’t going to contribute to my success.

This is a perfect time to mention another black phrase, “I got five on it”. Putting five dollars on gas was suitable in the 90’s when goods and services cost less, the economy was booming, and our wages weren’t stagnant. But this is 2017, five dollars can’t get you a bottle of water at a sporting event. So if you offer me five dollars as if that’s going to entice me to drive you a far distance, I’m going to look at you just like this:

Five dollars isn’t even worth me turning my car on and off, let alone driving more than 2 miles. What I will do in that moment is text you a link to your local bus schedule, suggest you invest in a bike, or if I’m feeling really generous, send you a Lyft PromoCode.

9) See, this right here is what we not finna do/ You've got the wrong one.

"See, this right here is what we not finna do" means just what it sounds like it means, "this conversation, this situation, is not going to happen". This occurs when someone feels too comfortable with you and has taken your demeanor as an indicator that anything can be said or done. Perhaps they are used to conversing with people who allow this type of behavior. Whatever the case may be, at this point you are left with no other option but to let them know you are not that same person; that you are in fact the wrong one.

Flashback to summer 2017 at the BET Awards, when Joe Budden, who the internet has deemed as the hater of all things fun, interviewed Atlanta's young, fly, and flashy trio, The Migos. The Migos, make catchy club records like "Bad and Boujee". They even teamed up with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots to turn their hit song into into a jingle using only office supplies. Joe Budden finds this type of hip-hop trivial and juvenile. Mid-interview he clearly has had enough. He proceeds to stand and proclaim "we gotta wrap this up" while tossing his microphone and walking off set (bad pun). The Migos quickly follow suit, echo some expletives reminding Mr. Budden where they come from and that their background is a lot tougher than the red carpets they now walk on. These series of gifs are the epitome of "See, this right here is what we not finna do":

10) You ain't neva lied.

Black people are great "hype-men" for one another. We believe in call and response, highly interactive communication styles. Just like we do in church service, we verbally affirm what the other is saying when pure truth is being handed out. For example, when I speak to a friend and say "Man, 2017 was one of the most disrespectful years of all time", they will prompltly respond with, "You ain't neva lied".

Beyoncé of black phrases) Do you have McDonald's money?

Do you have McDonald's money is the first-ballot Hall of Fame, Stephen Curry unanimous MVP, GOAT, Michael Jordan of black phrases. Where do I even start with this one? This phrase deserves a whole post alone. Black parents rarely acquiesce to the non-life sustaining requests of their children. Every time we ask for something, we’re putting ourselves at risk. Growing up in a black household, nothing is really “yours”; your parents are simply kind enough to let you temporarily and carefully use something. Anything that is not required shelter, food, clothes, or school supplies is extra and they remind you of it at every moment.

So when asking for a childhood luxury such as McDonalds, knowing good and well your parents went out of their way to buy weekly groceries to cook for your ungrateful self, they are going to ask you one simple question to determine if you can in fact have McDonalds: “Do you have McDonalds money?” From the tone in their voice to the look on their face, the question is extremely condescending.

Of course you don't have McDonald's money, you could be as young as young as five or six years old. You don't have a job and you probably don’t have an allowance because why would your parents pay you to do what you’re supposed to do while living their household. Yet, this is exactly why you cleaned the whole house, massaged your moms back, told her you loved her and put a smile on your face before quietly entering her room to ask for a Happy Meal.

After she swats your shot like Dikembe Mutombo, you're left looking like Eddie Murphy in "Raw".

The legacy of "Do you have McDonalds money?" is so strong that it has now become the go-to response for any requests that requires your money. For example, us millennials aren't having enough kids to keep the Unites States population at its "replacement level". And the tone in this question is without regard to our egregious student loans, deflated wages, high rent, as if it's purely by choice. So next time millennials are asked why we aren't having kids, we are going to respond with this simple question, "Do you have 'population replacement level' money?".

Why Do Stouffer's Seasoning Wraps Exist?

What is the worst part of trying to watch YouTube videos? If you answered the ads, then you're correct. If you answered something else then you're an incredibly patient human and I need to be more like you. When an ad plays, my normal routine is to scream out loud in disgust over my time being wasted and anxiously wait until I can press "skip ad". But a couple of weeks ago, while trying to watch what was more than likely a Kendrick Lamar music video, I actually watched an entire ad. The featured product was incredibly intriguing and immediately triggered so many questions for me. Here is the commercial:

After watching this, the first thing I asked was, why? Do people really find the time and effort of sprinkling seasoning on their fish, meat or poultry so exhausting that they believe it necessary to purchase seasoned pieces of paper to wrap and cook their food in? I also wondered if cooking in rolling paper for chicken is good for our health? There are probably chemicals fuming from the paper directly into your food. I just felt so many emotions: confusion, frustration, skepticism.

At the same time, these Stouffer's Seasoning Wraps are beyond comical. On an "unnecessary scale" of 1 to 10, Stouffer's Seasoning Wraps rank off the charts; comparable only to those late night "call now within the next 5 minutes to get this 18 way potato slicer for only 6 payments of $17.99!". Stouffer's even took the time to create a step-by-step guide on how to cook your chicken in seasoned paper:

My main question for people who buy and use this product is, at what point in the process do you think, "this is completely unnecessary"? For me, it was when I saw the advertising. For others, it's when they leave their house, go to the grocery store and think about the fact that they are paying 3 bucks for seasoned paper. But for the folks who actually take this into their kitchen, I wonder if they look over at their cabinet after step 1, see their seasonings, and think about how easy it would be to dash a bit of salt, pepper, garlic, Adobo, Italian seasoning, or if you're African-American, Lawry's.

I genuinely do not want us to neglect the magical parts of cooking. Food Network would get really awkward if their chefs replaced "use a pinch of salt" with "use 15 seasoned pieces of paper". Even if you are someone who believes you can not cook and will surely ruin a meal given the opportunity, learn to embrace the process. One of my favorite childhood memories is when my step-father, who could not cook at all, decided to make cornbread. My mom and I were impressed with his effort and very excited to try his creation. As soon as we took a bite, we spit the cornbread out of our mouths. My step-father and his novice cooking skills, accidentally swapped the measurements of salt and sugar making the cornbread taste like ocean water. But because we were so appreciative of him going out of his way to make us a meal, we laughed about the whole thing. Today it makes for a great story; don't rob yourself of moments like these. You too can be the Salt Bae of your own kitchen!

Top 5 Kendrick Lamar Songs

“And, uh, I don’t - what keeps me alive? Shit. Music, I have to listen to music all day long. I’d say that keeps me going. I’m a pretty dark person, I’ve thought about ending it a million times. And I have to say that music keeps me here, by far, the main thing.”

— Dash Snow

This is the introduction for Kendrick Lamar's "The Heart Pt. 2". Here, Kendrick takes an interview clip in which photographer and New York based artist, Dash Snow, is asked what keeps him alive. Behind Dash's response we hear the beat slowly and softly build; the instrumentation is an extended version of The Roots "A Piece of Light". Immediately after Dash gives his somber answer, Kendrick Lamar starts his verse with a "thank you" for the honesty of Dash's words. Dash Snow died of a drug overdose in 2009.

"The Heart Pt. 2" was released in 2010, appearing on Kendrick Lamar's fifth mixtape, O(verly) D(edicated), also known as “OD”. Since that very moment, Kendrick Lamar has been my favorite rapper. Growing up in Los Angeles, I was an outsider when it came to my tastes in hip hop. I would listen to 92.3 The Beat, where the playlist was dominated by west coast g-funk and gangsta rap: Tupac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, DJ Quik, Warren G, Kurupt, Nate Dogg, Ice Cube. All of these artists are great and have given us incredible music. But my ears craved all things east coast; A Tribe Called Quest, Wu-Tang Clan, Black Moon, The Fugees, Slum Village, The Roots, Mos Def & Talib Kweli, J Dilla, Common, Dipset, DMX, Nas, Biggie, and every single Bad Boy Records artist. It was Tribe in particular who stole my heart. To put my affection and fanaticism for the Linden Boulevard Queens rap group in perspective, I had about a dozen friends call or text me the day Malik “Phifie Dawg” Taylor of A Tribe Called Quest died. Anyone who is close to me knows what Tribe has meant for my life. They grew my love for hip hop and to them I am forever grateful.

RIP Phife Dawg (1970-2016)

Not having an LA artist to call my own was tough. I love hip hop and I love my city, but no one's story spoke to me. I wanted a voice of my generation from my area. In 2010, while a freshman at the University of California Berkeley, friends of mine kept suggesting I listen to this rapper who went by K.Dot. I was a stereotypical backpack hip hop fan straight out of the movie Brown Sugar. I wanted to save hip hop. If the artist wasn't from the golden era of the 90's, I didn't want to listen. But everyone I knew and trusted insisted that this guy named Kendrick was my vibe. I finally acquiesced and downloaded O(verly) D(edicated) and never looked back.

On the night of March 23rd, Kendrick Lamar released "The Heart Pt. 4", a new edition to a series of songs he’s been doing since 2010. The song is comprised of 3 different beats and varies from "introspective" Kendrick, "diss track" Kendrick, to "spazz out" Kendrick, accompanied by all his different voices-just like a true Gemini. At the end of the track, Lamar warns every other rapper that they have until April 7th to get ready. Right there we have an album date. 

Fast forward to March 30th, exactly one week after the surprise release of "The Heart Pt. 4", Kendrick releases a video for a track called “Humble”. I was driving five and a half hours from Los Angeles to Sacramento when the video was released. I spent 30 minutes of that drive not paying much attention to the Golden State 5 Freeway, but instead watching the visual over and over again. It was perfect. "Humble" is Kendrick in ultimate flex mode. He takes fellow rapper Big Sean’s own ad-lib to eviscerate him and tells us that the song he released the previous week, “The Heart Pt. 4”, was simply his left stroke, a warm up, that went viral. The internet lost its collective mind. "Humble" generated half a million views in about 90 minutes. Between YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat, we were salivating for this album.

The night of April 5th, I tweet:

So here we are, Kendrick Lamar Day. We have been gifted with Damn. on this beautiful day of April 14th 2017. I have already played this album 5 times and will surely need a couple of months to absorb and dissect all its gems before I even attempt to write about this masterpiece. In celebration of the release of Damn., let’s countdown some of K.Dot’s best songs. Disclaimer, not all of these are my favorite, or necessarily his best. I used a criteria of content, significance, mainstream popularity, cultural relevancy, and listener digestibility.

5) Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe

“And I’m lookin’ right past you
We live in a world, we live in a world on two different axles
You live in a world, you livin’ behind the mirror
I know what you scared of
The feeling of feeling emotions inferior”

A radio favorite from his major label debut and certified classic Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City, the hook is Kendrick grappling with this new level of attention. Kendrick feels the expectations and energies of those around him shifting. He needs people to know that he isn't their messiah and does not want to be idolized, but is simply a sinning man who needs his alone time. The ability to tap into his truest internal emotions is something he holds dearly and does not want it to fade away. He refuses to play a role, chasing a false image in order to reach commercial appeal. Kendrick powerfully declares, "I'ma break out, and then hide every lock, I'ma break out, and then hide every lock". Lamar lets us know early on in his super-stardom that he will not compromise or be pigeonholed into the industry's idea of what he's suppose to be as a rapper.

4) Poetic Justice

“I mean you need to hear this, love is not just a verb
It’s you looking in the mirror, love is not just a verb
It’s you looking for it, maybe, call me crazy, we can both be insane
A fatal attraction is common and what we have common is pain”

Another single from Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, "Poetic Justice" features a rare collaboration between sometimes rivals, sometimes peers, Kendrick and Drake. The song was inspired by the John Singleton directed film, Poetic Justice, starring Janet Jackson and Tupac. Janet's intimate and sultry "Anytime, Anyplace" is used as a sample. "Poetic Justice" mirrors a spoken word piece in that it's detailed, compassionate, yet urgent. Kendrick's edifying words are used to tell this woman just how worthy she is. He understands the power of truth and empathy held in his pen.

3) Alright

“Alls my life I has to fight, nigga
Alls my life I...
Hard times like, “God!”
Bad trips like, “Yeah!”
Nazareth, I’m fucked up
Homie, you fucked up
But if God got us, then we gon’ be alright”

The significance of this song is deeper than its radio appeal. Released in the middle of 2015 post-Ferguson uprising, the song became the unifying and uplifting chant for Black Lives Matter protests across the country. Over Jazz and Funk beats, Kendrick is battling his inner-demons on To Pimp a Butterfly. Ending a majority of the songs with the line, "I remembered you was conflicted, misusing your influence". Kendrick is fighting a spiritual battle between pursing his career, and wanting to do more while keeping his sanity. More acclaim, more money, yet none of those material comforts can ward off the depression and pain he feels watching the struggles of his people.

It was fitting that as weary protestors took to the streets in solidarity with victims and their families to demand justice for the killing of black bodies at the hands of public servants, the words "we gon' be alright!" became the rallying cry. Amongst the militarized police tactics used against the bodies of peaceful protesters; violent arrests, painful tear gas, dehumanizing speech and treatment, Kendrick's "Alright" offered a bit of hope and strength for the freedom fighters.

2) A.D.H.D.

“You can have all my shine,
I’ll give you the light”

Section. 80 is centered around the damage done to the babies of the Ronald Reagan Era.  "A.D.H.D." in particular focuses on the self-medication these youth have been conditioned to rely on. How do you relieve yourself of the pains of systematic oppression that plague your community? Resources are either inadequate or non-existent, you're painted as nothing more than a problem, you're met with daily trauma as the people in power feel they must institutionally "fix" you. Eventually you are left feeling emotionally and physically empty. So you engage in any behavior that reminds you that you're alive; the distractions are numerous, the solutions aren't available, you can't focus. Everything you crave is a means to detract and distract from the problems that leave you feeling hopeless. Environmentalist and author Paul Hawken wrote about this saying:

We can't -- whether through monetary means, government programs, or charity -- create a sense of value and dignity in people's lives when we're simultaneously developing a society that doesn't need them. If people don't feel valued, they will act out society's verdict in sometimes shocking ways. William Strickland, a pioneer in working with inner-city children, once said that "you can't teach algebra to someone who doesn't want to be here." He meant that urban kids don't want to be here at all, alive, anywhere on earth. They try to tell us, but we don't listen. So they engage in increasingly risky behavior -- unprotected sex, drugs, violence -- until we notice. By that time, their conduct has usually reached criminal proportions -- and then we blame the victims, build more jails, and lump the costs into the GDP.

1) The Heart Pt. 2

“But really I’m just caught in the loop
of understanding the truth
Because it seem like it’s always clashing with science
I got a big fear of flying
My future so bright I’d probably go blind before I blink twice, I ain’t lying”

"The Heart Pt 2". is Kendrick's most emotionally raw recording and my personal favorite. He seemingly raps the 5 minute track in one breath. It literally ends with him gasping for air as he urgently and emphatically chokes out his final verse. Touching on an array of topics ranging from his impending career ascent, the fear in recognizing there's no limit on how great he can be, survivor's remorse, and his desire to stay connected to those in the struggle; he understands that people are facing very real life and death decisions everyday. "The Heart Pt 2." is Kendrick passionately prophesying that his artistry is not only going to change rap, but change the world around him. He told us seven years ago that he will not be influenced or swayed by the powers that be: "I pray these bars get farther than Compton, and if our record never break, I still won't break my promise, I promise to keep it honest". You have more than kept your promise, Kenny.

Honorable Mention: Rigamortis

“We all are sinners
Won’t you send us to bible study faster
Your hypocritesque reaction a blasphemy
I assassin my casualty
And it’s casually done
And tell ‘me my salary come ”

"Rigamortis" is what I call quintessential “spazz-out” Kendrick. "Spazz-out" Kendrick transcends into this intentional yet chaotic stream of conscious rapping style. His wordplay, metaphors, entendres, and punch lines hit like a flurry of sharp jabs, hooks and uppercuts. Absent of a chorus, Kendrick increases the speed of his verbal assault as each verse progresses. You wonder where he gets the lung power to execute this piece as he rarely takes a breathe. All the while, the improvisational jazz instrumentation grows its pace like a freight train with no intention of stopping. The listener's adrenaline and pulse increase with the track as Kendrick Lamar warns them that their favorite rapper will have an ill awaited fate if they dare to duel. The songs title comes from the Latin term Rigor Mortis, meaning “stiffness of death”; a condition that occurs a few hours after death when chemicals are depleted from muscle fibers. By the end of the song, Kendrick has in fact demolished everything in his path and respectfully ends with “amen”. The New Orleans style funeral procession jazz horns in the background are perfectly fitting.

Sleeper: Momma

“Been in it before internet had new acts
Mimicking radio’s nemesis made me wack
My innocence limited the experience lacked”

“Momma” is my favorite song on To Pimp a Butterfly. Following the theme of the album, Kendrick continues to confront the source of imbalance in his life repeating to himself, “I remembered you was conflicted, misusing your influence, sometimes I did the same, abusing my power, full of resentment, resentment that turned into a deep depression”. The forthright Gemini has a man in the mirror moment acknowledging that all of his talent, success and achievements still don’t match the securities of his upbringing which bring him ultimate peace. While Kendrick theorizes and self-analyzes, he goes through a checklist of all the things he knows, only to circle back and realize he knows nothing. It’s not until he returns home to God, his city, his family, his people, that he sees real truth.

Celebrating the Insecure Rapper

“I invented swag
Poppin’ bottles, puttin’ supermodels in the cab, proof.
I guess I got my swagger back, truth
New watch alert, Hublot’s
Or the big face Rollie I got two of those”

— Jay-Z

The opening lines of Jay-Z and Kanye West's debut single, “Otis,” from their 2011 collaborative album Watch The Throne. And if you listen to any radio station that plays rap, you will here a dozen more songs that go something along those same lines.

“They ain’t seen me cause I pulled up in my other Benz
Last week I was in my other other Benz”

— Kanye West

I love rap. I enjoy the hard hitting beats, the storytelling, the clever metaphors and wordplay, the uniqueness of rappers' voice and dialects (unless you're Desiigner), all of it. Rap is a sport and I'm drawn to its competitiveness. The stakes are high in a genre centered around knowing who's better. Rappers have to be hyper aggressive, tough, and self-confident in order to have a chance at "making it".

The egotism rappers exude is more than fun showmanship. Their brash is an attempt to immortalize and elevate themselves to legendary status. The ante is constantly being raised on who can be the most outlandish, flagrant and braggadocios. One of the boldest examples of this is on 2013's Yeezus. On a song titled, "I Am a God", Kanye West literally gives God a feature credit. I mean that is next level narcissism right there and I love it.

Excess and opulence are important themes in the vivid and imaginative lyrics of many rappers. It's all about obtaining colossal sized Picassos, putting 5 carats in your baby girl's ears, driving around with rims whose inch size match your age number. Whether it's cars, clothes, women, jewelry, or houses, the aim is to have as much as possible. Rappers are so infatuated with luxury, that you can point to over 20 songs in which rappers have compared themselves to Liberace himself:

“Liberace fingers, ni—-s hit Lorraine up”

— Pharrell Williams

“Diamonds shining, looking like I robbed Liberace”

— Dr. Dre

Paris, Hublots, Benzes, and of course, the women. In rap, the guy always get the girl; or at least they tell us they do. Even as I continue to confront my conflict with raps’ objectification of women, one of my favorite moments in rap history is on rapper DMX and Sisqo's "What They Really Want". DMX, in the most DMX way, raps and barks the names of 44 women he keeps on constant rotation in his Rolodex.

"There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia (okay!)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh!)
Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh!)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn!)
Cookies, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?!)
Tonya, Diane, Lori and Carla (okay!)
Marina (uhh) Selena (uhh) Katrina (uhh) Sabrina (uhh)
About three Kim's (What!) LaToya, and Tina (Whoo!)
Shelley, Bridget, Cavi, Rasheeda (uh-huh)
Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita (damn!)
Stacy, Tracie, Rohna, and Ronda (WHAT?!)
Donna, Ulanda (WHAT?!) Tawana, and Wanda"

For fans, it can be hard to listen to music that is so far from your life. How many of us are throwing our Rollies in the sky, popping bottles in VIP, taking PJs (private jets) around the world and courting anyone we desire? We're constantly being reminded that we aren't where they are, doing what they're doing as fresh and cool as them.

“We were down in Pari, keepin’ it Eiflin
You was at home, keepin’ it triflin.”

— 2 Chainz

Rappers and their god like personas can create a distance between us and them. But good music is for the people, to unify us through shared experiences we can all relate to. The pictures these artists paint aren't real life. They are fun stories that take us to a fantasy land. The world isn't a 90's Puff Daddy music video; these guys have mo' money and mo' problems too. Even Yeezy comes clean in his classic song "All Falls Down" saying, "we all self-conscious I'm just the first to admit"; that's real, that's keeping it "one hunnid".

Rappers should feel free and safe enough to talk about their disappointments, their heartbreaks, their desires to change their circumstances. So let's give praise to the rappers who aren't "ballin", who don't get the dream girl, and who aren't the big man on their block.

Pharcyde's "Passin' Me By", Skee-Lo's "I Wish", and Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" are classic hip hop songs most casual listeners have heard at least once. While recognized for their mesmeric beats, catchy hooks, and savy rhyme schemes, rarely do people acknowledge the relatability of the stories told. Each rapper presents scenarios many of us have been in, but are too embarrassed to share. This is a unique gift and responsibility of true artists; to beautifully express the mundane, the normal, the commonalities with which we're all familiar.

1) The Pharcyde's "Passin' Me By"

"Passin Me By" has the quintessential 90's boom bap sound to methodically nod your head to. Hailing from my hometown of Los Angeles, California, Bootie Brown, SlimKid3, Imani, and Fatlip's articulated cadences make rhyming along easy. When I first heard this song at the age of 11, I ran home, printed out the lyrics, and proceeded to memorize every word. It is one of my favorite songs of all time and I still know every line verbatim.

Although the chorus clearly repeats "She keeps on passin' me by", it wasn't until recently at the age of 25 that I realized just how sad their love lives were. All of their crushes really do pass them by. The last verse in particular illustrates the overall mood of the song and plight of these fellows. It's here Fatlip puts his heart on the track while rapping about the dopest Ethiopian woman who simply won't give him the time of day.

Now there she goes again, the dopest Ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin in slow motion
when-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?
Wait, no, i did not really pursue my little princess with persistence;
And I was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence
From a distance I desired, secretly admired her;
Wired her, a letter to get her, and it went:
My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me but I know you very well
Now let me tell you bout the feelings I have for you
When I try, or make some sort of attempt, I simp
Damn I wish I wasn't such a wimp!
'Cause then I would let you know that I love you so
And if I was your man then I would be true
The only lying I would do is in the bed with you
Then I signed sincerely the one who loves you dearly, PS love me tender
The letter came back three days later: Return to Sender
Damn!

Poetry. We've all experienced rejection in some form. But it's not often that a rapper admits to being overlooked and disregarded by a woman. Already, his vulnerability is tugging at my heart strings. This woman is the apple of Fatlip's eye. He calls her his little princess, not some b---ch or h-- . Describing a woman you're fond of without using derogatory terms always gets you a win in my book.

Fatlip is so unassuming in his pursuit of this woman that in order to make this young woman aware of his existence he has to write her a letter. Compared to today's suitors who simply slide in your DMs or swipe you to the right on some dating app, Fatlip's efforts are impressive. His salutations are chivalrous and polite harmonizing, "my dear my dear my dear". To be honest, I'd probably marry the first person who wrote me a letter.

While writing the letter Fatlip gets introspective in his admiration for this woman. He admits that he hasn't been able to work up the nerve to approach her and calls himself a wimp and simp. These are fighting words in the hip hop community. Urban Dictionary defines a simp as "a man that puts himself in a subservient/submissive position under women in hopes of winning them over." Unsubscribing to toxic masculinity, Fatlip clearly does not care what you or I think about his emotions. He knows what his heart wants.

Finally, Fatlip builds up the courage to send off the letter with a "the one who loves you dearly" farewell. 3 longs days pass and what happens? The letter is returned to sender. As a listener all you can do is echo Fatlip's final line; a defeated and breathy "damn!". Sometimes you can't win for losing.

2) Skee-Lo "I Wish"

Her boyfriend's tall and he plays ball
So how am I gonna compete with that?
'Cause when it comes to playing basketball
I'm always last to be picked
And in some cases never picked at all
So I just lean up on the wall

I wish I had a brand-new car
So far, I got this hatchback
And everywhere I go, yo, I gets laughed at

Intentionally or unintentionally, Skee-Lo is breaking black male stereotypes by airing out his perceived shortcomings; he's not tall and he's not good at basketball. Meanwhile, Ice Cube was still trying to convince us that he registered a triple double in a pick-up game. There is a historical symbiotic relationship between basketball and hip-hop. Every rapper wants to be a hooper and every hooper wants to be a rapper. This is a biblical fact. Fortunately and unfortunately, many have dabbled in both. 

In this case, the undersized Skee-Lo is not a basketball playing, hip hop rhyming double threat. And he believes these perceived limitations are holding him back from being a cooler, more prosperous guy. So doing what he can with what he has, he brilliantly creates a hit rapping about the things he wishes he had.  Most rap songs sound something like "Yo, I got this, yea I got that, of course I got her, and I even got way more of that". Skee-Lo does the exact opposite, saying "Yo, I wish I had height, I wish I had basketball skills, I really wish I had a girl and a '64 impala, I'll even take a rabbit in a hat". This would have been the perfect time for Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam the genie to appear.

I'm don't know if Skee-Lo ever got his wishes, but his song sold over 600,000 copies, went gold, and was nominated for Best Rap Solo performance at the 1996 Grammy's. He lost to Coolio's "Gangsta Paradise", but he was so close.

3) Biz Markie "Just a Friend"

So I came to her college on a surprise visit
To see my girl that was so exquisite
It was a school day, I knew she was there
The first semester of the school year
I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm
This guy made me fill out a visitor's form
He told me where it was and I was on my way
To see my baby doll, I was happy to say
I arrived in front of the dormitory
Yo, could you tell me where is door three?
They showed me where it was for the moment
I didn't know I was in for such an event
So I came to her room and opened the door
Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?
A fella tongue-kissin' my girl in the mouth,
I was so in shock my heart went down south
So please listen to the message that I say
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend

This is what us young people call "getting played".

Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" is a great karaoke jam. Released in 1989, before rappers were singing hooks and choruses, it's a 80's hip hop love ballad that I will always choose over LL Cool J's "I need love" which has aged terribly.

No matter where you go in the country, most people join along when they hear Biz belt out, "Ohhh babyyy youuuu! Youu got what I neeeeeed!".  A contrast from the tough guy role rappers portray, Biz's playfulness makes this one of the most lighthearted song's in hip hop. His infectious personality and fun rap-a-long style gains the affection of fans. This makes his predicament even more devastating. We love Biz, we are rooting for Biz, we want Biz to win and get the girl.

Being the consummate gentleman, Biz makes a trip to surprise his lady friend while she's at college. He probably has a nice romantic weekend all planned out for him and his lady; beat boxing, taking long walks in the park, making mixtapes on his boombox. You can visualize the whole thing. Yet, to his shock, he finds the lady he's been dating kissing another guy.

We don't know the dynamics of Biz and this woman's relationship, but he's soundly invested. And while she has the right to do what she pleases without his permission, communication could have definitely been clearer. Biz thought his lady was hanging with a platonic friend. She thought Biz was just another friend. You can't help but empathize with the guy.

After such a tragic ordeal, you wonder if Biz developed serious trust issues. But, as a consolation prize, Biz's misfortune has made him a fortune. This hit is still popular 30 years later and has gone on to influence music today. Taking Biz's advice, Chris Brown would go on to make an anthem reminding us that "these h--- ain't loyal".

Hopefully rap will continue to evolve and become more comfortable being self deprecating and despondent. Talking about our pain is a human right that helps us lead healthier lives. We all take L's, but what's most important is that you keep showing up for the game. Law of averages says that you're eventually going to win. Keep swinging.

“Last night took an L but tonight I bounced back”

— Big Sean

The Most Important Vine Dunk of All Time

On any given night during the NBA and college basketball season, ESPN's Sportscenter's Top 10 has at least one insane dunk that brings basketball fans out of their seats. Dunks are one of the most exciting parts of the game. A posterize is when one player dunks on someone so bad that the victim of said dunk takes a few seconds to contemplate retirement. No shame, it's part of the game. For the fans and viewers it brings theatrical facial and body expressions. But, what if I told you that the best posterizing dunks aren't on ESPN? Nope, the best dunks I have seen are on the video hosting app, Vine.

The best Vine dunks aren't in million dollar arenas with superstar players and live TV feeds. Instead, these moments in history take place in random recreation gyms, with amateur hoopers, around a local crowd of friends and observers equipped with smart phones. No million dollar contracts, no trophies or championships, just good old fashioned pride and showmanship; the love for the game. However, there is just as much at stake in these showcases as there is for LeBron every NBA finals. These moments can make or break you in your local hood; get exposure or get exposed, fame or infamy, make a name or take a name. With that level of risk, this is why I respect the heck out of the Vine dunk.

Two years ago, I stumbled upon this one particular dunk on Black Twitter, the most important part of Twitter, the title simply said "Bang Bang". I had to check it out. What I saw pulled a vocal reaction out of me with something along the lines of "Oh shoot!". I leapt out of my seat, dropped my phone, then sent this video to most of my friends. What came from this video is two years worth of screenshots and memes. Without further ado, I present to you, The Most Important Vine Dunk of All Time.

There are 3 acts to this disgusting dunk. Act I, the set up and take off. Like I mentioned earlier, this is a humble gym with a couple dozen folk crowded around to see what's going to happen. As the young man dribbles the ball a couple times gathering speed and momentum, we see the brave defender ready to challenge the dunk. All looks normal as the guy with ball jumps in the air. But then...

Act II, elevation and contact. After the initial take off, the gentleman dunking levitates and climbs in the air an additional two feet; it's unreal. For a couple of seconds in the air it's as if he tells gravity, "I'm going to stay up here for a while". Then, there is the actual dunk on his fellow brethren. Dude A, the dunker, puts his knee directly in Dude B, the defender's chest and hops so far above him that he has to look down to even see him. A great dunk has to be disrespectful, and this dunk is just plain rude and dismissive. To add more difficulty to this dunk, Dude A slams it down with two hands, swinging on the rim, demolishing everything in sight.

Act III, the reaction. Black people reacting to big moments brings me nothing but joy. In the video we clearly hear a gentleman yell out "bang bang" as soon as the dunker pauses gravity. This observer already knows a crime scene is about to unfold and is trying to warn us. No later than the ball grazes through the rim you hear the spectators erupt in "aaahhh's and ohhh's". The entire gym is physically reacting; hands over mouths, grabbing their head in astonishment. Some people have to hold the person next to them to grasp what is happening. It's beautiful. But one young woman in particular loses her whole entire mind. The young woman shrieks like she's in a horror film. She is genuinely disturbed. After the young lady screams, she turns and unleashes from her friend's grasp, then proceeds to run for dear life because she can not physically handle the assault that just happened. 2 years later, I honestly think that she is still running.

Valid, completely valid. This young lady's reaction has genuinely enhanced my life. Whenever I need to explain to people the beauty of authentic black reaction and expression, I point them to this video. I hope you all will begin to look at life frame by frame. There are so many hidden gems to find when we slow down and soak in the present moment. It is so important to appreciate the small things.

Slaves Are Not Immigrants

On Monday March 6th, America's Housing and Urban Development Secretary, Ben Carson made this statement: "That's what America is about, a land of dreams and opportunity...There were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder for less. But they too had a dream that one day their sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, great-grandsons, great-granddaughters, might pursue prosperity and happiness in this land."

And every one of us with basic sense responded like this:

Carson's entire statement is an alternative fact. You know when something is so stupid it makes your head hurt? Well this is that. I was genuinely confused and unable to digest the inaccuracy and irresponsibility of this comment. Let's go through just a few of his errors:

1) Immigrants did not come here in the bottom of slave ships. An immigrant is an individual who upon their free will, chooses to take up residency in another country. Yes, many immigrants flee arduous and dangerous situations feeling like they have no other choice; the decision to leave your home with whatever you have is difficult. But, an immigrant is in fact exercising their own agency to move somewhere else. What is a slave? Oxford Dictionary defines a slave as "a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them."

During the transatlantic slave trade, Europeans went to Africa to buy and steal people for slave labor in the Americas. Once again, I want to note that whenever a human being is forcefully kidnapped and bought and sold, this is not immigration. Conditions on these slave ships were so horrid that 2 million of the 12.7 million Africans shipped to the New World died. The new slaves were chained together with metal shackles around their necks, wrists and ankles. The chains cut and bruised the skin so bad, officers on the ship would have to patch up their wounds so that the merchandise (Africans) wouldn't look damaged.

Packed below the ship, slaves had no more than three square feet of space and and were forced to lie flat for more than half of the day without being able to stand. Blood, excrement, sweat, vomit; all these fluids steeping together below the ship. Imagine the stench, disease, sickness, despair, embarrassment, anger, and fear. Many tried to commit suicide during this 13 week voyage. If you made it alive, what awaited you was a lifetime of servitude.

Once the African slaves reached America, they were auctioned off to plantation owners. A slave auction was similar to a used car auction of today. The slaves were stripped and paraded around, examined, poked and prodded like a piece of furniture, then sold to the highest bidder. Humanity, dignity, language, name, family, and identity were all stripped for them.

In contrast, below is a diagram of the Mayflower, the ship the Pilgrims used to reach America in 1620. 5 people did die on the voyage due to illness but no one was taken captive and chained in the bottom of the ship.

2) Slaves did not work harder and longer for less. They worked all the time for free. Slaves toiled the land planting and harvesting cotton, tobacco, sugar cane, rice as well as other cash crops. Slaves who worked in the field endured back breaking work. For up to 16 hours a day, under the hot sun without proper shoes or clothing to protect their bodies, black slaves picked crops until their fingers were raw and bloody. The smallest adult slave was expected to carrying over a hundred pounds of picked goods on their back. Demand for this brutal work led plantation owners to breed the strongest and biggest slaves together. Many of these slaves were worked so hard that they died before the age of 30. But black bodies were disposable parts of labor. Lighter skinned slaves, products of white masters raping black female slaves were allowed to work in the "Big House" cooking, cleaning, breast feeding the masters children, and doing other domestic work.

For abut 250 years slaves worked in factories, shipyards, and textile mills; blacks built railroads, roads, and a lot of this America's infrastructure including the White House. Michelle Obama mentioned this fact in her speech last summer at the Democratic National Convention. Apparently, a lot of Americans were unaware of the fact that black slaves built the house our Presidents have lived in for over 200 years.

Along with working all the time for free until your body, sanity and spirit died, black slaves endured lashes, rape, castration, branding, lynching, tarring, hot boxes, maiming and other sickening forms of punishment as ways of torture and control.

3) Slavery: A dream deferred. It's hard for you to dream of your children and grand children having more opportunities than you if you aren't even considered a complete person. Slaves were legally owned because they were counted as property, not people. But in order for slave holding states to increase their power in the federal government, they needed a way for the black slave population to count towards their electoral vote. So in 1787, during the United States Constitutional Convention, the north and south delegates reached the Three-Fifths Compromise. Yes, in the constitution of the United States of America blacks were acknowledged as three fifths human. Hence the name of this site; 5/5 amended, 5/5 whole, 5/5 one; unity among all people.

Ben Carson's comments are flagrantly incorrect, misleading, disrespectful and hurtful. Millions of black slaves died and deserve for their legacies to be heard and shared. It is imperative that their stories are remembered everyday, not just in February. I am my ancestors wildest dreams and am proud to come from a people who have endured and accomplished so much in spite of our sufferings. In the words of Maya Angelou, "the more you know your history, the more liberated you are". Let's all get free.

Purple Moonlight Mixtape

Moonlight recently won the Academy Award for Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Mahershala Ali won Best Supporting Actor for his role. The film is visually captivating. Please see this film if you have not already.

Moonlight holds a special place in my heart. I saw it on November 8th, 2016 (kind of a big day). It was late in the evening, the Electoral College numbers were coming in and my friend and I figured we should go see Moonlight to distract from what was happening. When the credits rolled, I was an emotional mess. Then my friend and I turned our phones on and saw the election results. I couldn't move. 

Barry Jenkins, Moonlight's director, listens to chopped and screwed music everyday. Robert Earl "DJ Screw" Davis Jr. created the chopped and screwed (or "slowed and throwed") technique in the early 90s on turntables by slowing down the tempo of a song, skipping beats, and using stop-time to give the song a cool, sedated Houston lean.

Unfortunately, DJ Screw passed in 2000, but his legacy is strong and his influence is everywhere in hip-hop. Popular Harlem based rapper A$AP Rocky heavily relies on the chopped and screwed technique, Kanye West used it in the chorus of 2012's hit song "Mercy," and Houston rapper Mike Jones featured the sound on his break out hit "Still Tippin'."

Now, I need to take a moment to pay homage to "Still Tippin'." I was 13 years old when this record came out and it quickly became my pre-game ritual for every basketball tournament that spring. I balled out thanks to it. "Still Tippin'" was a track that made the rare crossover from the Houston streets to the airwaves of Los Angeles where I grew up. At the time, LA rap stations really only played West Coast artists with the occasional mainstream East Coast/Midwest artists, and the only taste of southern rap being from Atlanta.  I was mesmerized by the thick slowed chorus, the abrupt strong keys and the rappers' smooth Houston dialects. In Shea Serrano's New York Times Best Seller The Rap Year Book: The Most Important Rap Song From Every Year Since 1979, Discussed, Debated, and Deconstructed, "Still Tippin'" is crowned the most important rap song of 2004. It's in this song, Mike Jones blesses the world with his iconic line, "Back then h--s didn't want me, now I'm hot h--s all on me". He raps this phrase 4 times in a row because repetition supports emphasis. He needs us to know what's up. Featured artists Paul Wall and Slim Thug give nice supporting verses. Paul Wall wall in particular has been integral to the grill culture in Houston, The South, and hip-hop in general. In Moonlight, gaudy grills become part of Chiron's shielded exterior in his manhood. He even drives an old school "slab" (slow loud and banging) car, like the ones featured in the "Still Tippin" video. Grills, chopped and screwed sounds, slabs, this is peak southern hip hop culture. Disclaimer, this is not an edited version and the lyrics are explicit:

Moonlight's use of chopped music works perfectly with the film's mood and southern coastal backdrop. Like the story and its protagonist, Chiron, the music is dense, haunting and trudges along. Thanks to the success of the film, Barry Jenkins teamed up with Houston's very own collective, The Chopstars, to bring us the Purple Moonlight mixtape. "Keeping DJ Screw alive since 2001," the Chopstars honor DJ Screw in everything they do. They've chopped popular projects from Drake's Take Care to Little Dragon's Nabuma Purple Rubberband. Most recently, the collective chopped parts of Frank Ocean's Blonde and created a Houston throwed mash up of the Knowles sisters' Lemonade and A Seat at the table. The Purple Moonlight mixtape is a 26 track "chopped not slopped" version of the movies soundtrack as well additional recent releases at the end. I've listened to it everyday since it came out. "When life movin' too fast, let the Chopstars slow it down for you". Enjoy.

Discovery Zone Was Better Than Chuck E. Cheese

Founded in Kansas City, Misourri in 1998, Discovery Zone was a children's entertainment place like Chuck E. Cheese, but much better. DZ had bigger, more elaborate play structures, massive ball pits, a zipline, and zero presence of a creepy adult sized mouse mascot walking around terrorizing children.

Seriously though, Chuck-E = Chucky. You know Chucky, the serial killer doll. Stay woke y'all, stay woke.

Growing up an only child, I was on the fence about attending most of my classmates birthday parties. I liked my space. My room had all my toys, snacks, video games and I didn't have to share or put up with screams and cries. I also hated germs and most birthday parties were snot infested petri dishes. However, when I received a birthday invitation to Discovery Zone, I was all in. You could get lost in this place. I felt completely free to swing and climb and jump as much as my little heart desired. Discovery Zone's short lived slogan was, "Never The Same Fun Twice!". And this was true. Each trip to DZ, you discovered something new. Something new about the play structure, something new about your friends, and most importantly something new about yourself. Deep for a seven year old, I know. That is what this place did to you. It opened your mind to new play possibilities. That should have been the slogan actually. Anyway, this children's play utopia died abruptly in 1998. No really, it died so quick that Chuck E. Cheese (the enemy) had to take last minute party reservations from DZ customers. Live fast, die young. RIP Discovery Zone (1989-1999). Thank you for the memories. 

Popeyes and Jerry Rice

Popeyes makes delicious chicken. It is one of the better options for fast food fried chicken. But we need to discuss their recent campaign featuring Jerry Rice. Popeyes has done a great job over the past few years convincing us that their black auntie spokesperson is really in the kitchen every Sunday making fresh biscuits and special spices for the fried chicken. She has enough of a southern accent where it feels comforting and entertaining but not too much where it seems like she should be in a minstrel show. In case you do not know, a minstrel show is entertainment in which black people are made into stereotyped caricatures. Minstrel shows featured white and black performers in blackface. Actors would literally put black grease paint on their face, bright red paint on their lips while singing, dancing, and speaking in exaggerated plantation dialects for laughs.

Companies have used slapstick subservient black characters to sell products for years.

This still holds true today. America loves being entertained by any means necessary.

Hall of Famer, Jerry Rice is one of the greatest NFL players of all time. He played in the NFL for 20 seasons, made the pro bowl 13 times, won three Super Bowls, and currently holds over 100 league records. His on the field accomplishments make him the perfect star for this chicken bonanza.

America has a weird relationship with the black athlete; a fascination on and off the field. We don't really like when athletes take control of their brand, body and money, offer thoughtful social commentary, or express views that challenge our conventional thinking. We like them to run, jump, bend, stretch, win games, smile and sell stuff.

Anyway, this is a happy post. This Popeyes commercial has it all. An NFL legend, fried chicken, innovation, even a great side-eye.

99% of the world's population loves fried chicken. But for some reason, black people are given the honor of having a special affinity for it. Well in this commercial Jerry loves fried chicken so much Popeyes creates a "taste mask". This helmet rotates a chicken drumstick across the face mask so Mr. Rice can catch footballs while eating his chicken. Duh! Why had no one thought of that before?

Ms. Popeyes, A.K.A. black auntie, brings the black woman sass component. Black women must always have a bit of an attitude. This scene is hard to watch because it's life imitating art. I think the actress actually steps out of her character for a couple of seconds and is side-eyeing this entire commercial. The way she looks at Jerry's animated antics is priceless. She can't outwardly express her true feelings. The camera lights must have briefly flashed her out the sunken place. If you don't get that reference, please go see Get Out.

Finally at the end of the commercial, Rice is seen wearing the Popeyes napkin shirt. A strong athletic man like Jerry doesn't need a prissy napkin. Nope, Popeyes invents something even better. A napkin shirt! This way Jerry can wipe his greasy barbecue drenched fingers across his shirt in a reasonable way.

The commercial is a lot. I still support Popeyes and their beautiful food.

Vince Carter Is the Oldest Player in the NBA

Breaking Down What Was Going on When He Was Drafted in 1998

Coming from the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, Vincent Lamar Carter was taken fifth overall in the NBA's 1998 draft. Playing in his 19th season, yes 19, Vince Carter is currently the NBA's oldest active player. The honor of being the NBA's oldest active player should be an award given out at the end of each season. It is more impressive than MVP. Think about what it takes for a 40 year old to play 82 games over a seven month span; daily practices, weekly cross-country travel, looking at all the ridiculous game day outfits teammates half his age wear. It is absolutely brutal. Vinsanity has wowed and entertained us fans and we have loved him for it. Vince, Kobe, Dr. J, & Michael Jordan are the only players to lead the NBA All-Star Game fan voting more than three times in a row. Here are some of Mr. Carter's accolades:

• 1999 Rookie of The Year
• 2000 NBA Slam Dunk Contest champion
• 20,000 Career Points club
• 8 Time NBA All-Star
• Nicknamed Half-Man, Half-Amazing

Vince Carter was destined to have a great career when he was drafted. Why? Because 1998 is an incredible year. Technology, music, TV, movies, 1998 created timeless material. Let's take a stroll down memory land and see all the gifts 1998 blessed us with.

Windows 98. The first operating system for most Millennials. Limewire would go on to destroy the operating system on the computers of thousands of teenager's across the country.

The Montessori I attended had Apple iMacs and I did not understand how to use them. But they reminded me of skittles so I liked them. 

Googling "Google"  is one of the scariest thing I've ever done. I thought it would for sure break the universe. The introduction of this powerful search engine changed the way we used the internet. Google created a greater need and desire for more web content. The introduction of Google also killed the library experience for students.

Music

All-time great music came out this year. Lauryn Hill branched off from The Fugees releasing her critically acclaimed solo debut The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Pre-"The Carter" Wayne Cash Money records released Juvenile's 400 Degrees and took over the '99 & '00s with "Back That Thang Up". And for those born after 2000, a girl from Houston, named Beyoncé Knowles along with three other girls were in the iconic girl group Destiny's Child. They released their first album and the anthem "No No No".

The violin arrangement playing in the beginning technically makes "Back That Thang Up" a Classical piece. This song has range. Little Lil Wayne is only given a few lines. But in a small amount of time, little Lil Wayne popularizes the hip hop phrase "drop it like it's hot". He literally only raps these lines: "Now
after you back it up, then stop, then wha-wha-what, drop drop it like it's hot...Drop it like it's hot, drop drop it like it's hot". Efficient, direct, clear and to the point.

Beyoncé, Kelly Rowland, the beeping intro, the outfits, the choreography, pure greatness.

#TeamBrandy or #TeamMonica ?

Movies

• I never saw Air Bud because even at 7 years old it looked corny to me, but I respected the heck out of the little guy.
• Oprah made Beloved. I guess my mom and step-dad weren't able to find a babysitter for me because they dragged me to see the film and it scarred me for life.
• I saw Belly for the first time (I know, I know) a couple of months ago and it is a perfect film. Nas should have won an Oscar for his closing monologue about his return to the motherland. In all seriousness, Hype Williams is a visionary and DMX is a national treasure.

• It's weird to think of a world before the crime fighting duo Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker. Rush Hour is relationship goals.
• He Got Game, Jesus Shuttlesworth, that's all I need.
• For some reason two animated films about insects, A Bugs Life and Ants came out within a few weeks of each other.
• Every black mother saw How Stella Got Her Groove Back.
• Dave Chappelle, Half Baked, yes.
• I remember watching I Still Know What You Did Last Summer solely because of Brandy.
• Wesley Snipes became a vampire.
• Is Mulan a feminist?
• Spice World was ridiculous in the best way.
• Prince of Egypt entertained me and fulfilled my Bible time requirement.

TV

June 14th 1998, Michael Jordan played his last game in a Bulls jersey. Winning his 6th and final ring "His Airness" cemented his name in royal basketball history. This was supposed to be his grand exit. But then the Wizards years happened. Too bad Space Jam didn't come out this year.

In November, MJ's teammate, Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra.

Fun Facts

Gas was $1.15 a gallon and a dozen eggs cost 88 cents!

Oh and Vince Carter went on to do this

And this

Also this

This too

Thank You, Vince.